- Mrs. Slocombe: [to Humphries and Lucas while angrily walking past them] Men!
- Mr. Humphries: Well, don't look at me!
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: No, I'm sorry Mrs Slocombe, but I cannot acquiesce to your request.
- Mrs. Slocombe: But suppose she has them all alone, when I'm not there.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Well, can't you employ an aupair girl? Or better still, an au-purr girl.
- Mrs. Slocombe: [frowning] I don't think that's very funny, Mr Rumbold. How would you like to be in a basket, jammed up against the radiator in an empty flat having kittens?
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: It would be a cat-astrophe!
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [laughs] Oh I am on form today!
- Mrs. Slocombe: Am I to take it that you refuse me permission to give my pussy facilities for her confinement?
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I'm afraid there's no... puss-ability!
- [laughs again]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Sorry I'm late. The central heating broke down. I had to light the oven and hold my pussy in front of it. Poor little thing. Its tail had been hanging out of its basket all night long!
- [the staff have come in late for an early meeting]
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I demand an explanation!
- Captain Stephen Peacock: As to why I have 2 inches of snow on my hat?
- Miss Shirley Brahms: We've been stood outside in the snow for 20 minutes because some stupid *twit* didn't tell security we was coming in!
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [realizing he's at fault] Ah!
- Captain Peacock: [ordering Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas to get dressed and pretend to be customers] Oh, and you don't have to use your own clothes, you can pick up something from the stockroom.
- [pause]
- Captain Peacock: The gents' stockroom, Mr. Humphries.
- [walks across to the women's counter]
- Captain Peacock: Is Miss Brahms ready yet?
- Mrs. Slocombe: I'll just call her.
- [Turns towards the fitting rooms]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms?
- [Miss Brahms enters in a low-cut and short-skirted dress, while Mr Humphries and Mr Lucas give a vocal rendition of "The Stripper"]
- Captain Peacock: Miss Brahms, you're supposed to be buying, not selling!
- Captain Stephen Peacock: [Watching Mr Humphries enter dressed as a motorcyclist] The face eludes me, but I recognise the walk
- [Lifts the tinted visor on the helmet]
- Mr. Humphries: I'm glad you did that - I was starting to run out of oxygen!
- [the men have realised that Mrs Slocombe was referring to her cat and her neighbors cats, and not herself and a beau, during her conversation with Miss Brahms]
- Mr. Dick Lucas: She had me worried for a minute.
- Mr. Humphries: She had me worried - especially when she mentioned the one who was ginger having the operation!
- Mr. Grainger: My, my, my, my teeth won't stop chattering.
- Mr. Humphries: Well, put them in your pocket.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I'm glad to see the older generation sets a good example by coming in early.
- Mr. Harry Harman: Yeah, well I like to get out of bed before Mrs. Harman wakes. She don't look her best first thing in the morning. Come to think of it, she don't look so hot last thing at night either.
- [Mr. Humphries is pretending to be a customer in order to subtly encourage sales]
- Mr. Dick Lucas: [takes out a cashmere sweater] Ah, there we are, sir. 30 pounds, just feel how soft they are.
- Mr. Humphries: Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing. How much, did you say?
- Sweater Customer: 30 pounds.
- Mr. Humphries: Oh, I say, aren't things a price?
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Worth every penny, sir.
- Mr. Humphries: And just the thing for this weather. I wish I could afford that.
- Sweater Customer: Yes, I'll take it. And how much are those silk squares?
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Oh, these are 10 pounds each, sir. They're pure silk, of course.
- Mr. Humphries: Oh, I wish I could afford that.
- Sweater Customer: I'll take that, as well.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Oh, I say!
- Sweater Customer: Oh, and one of those hats.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Ah, now these, sir, these are 16 pounds each. Of course, they are pure velour.
- Mr. Humphries: Oh, pure velour! I wish I could afford that.
- Sweater Customer: I'll take that, as well.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Will there be anything further, sir?
- Sweater Customer: No, that'll do nicely.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: So, that is one cashmere sweater, one silk scarf, and one hat. That is 56 pounds, sir.
- Sweater Customer: [motions to Mr. Humphries] And the same for my friend here.
- Mr. Humphries: I beg your pardon?
- Sweater Customer: Well, what else is money for? I'm rich, I live alone, and perhaps you'd like to come up to my place and have a drink.
- Mr. Humphries: [quickly] Oh, I don't think I can afford that.