- Captain Peacock: To your places, everybody. Mrs. Slocombe, uncover your bust, please.
- Mrs. Slocombe: I beg your pardon, Captain Peacock!
- Captain Peacock: Your counter bust, Mrs Slocombe. Were ready for business.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: At least you're here on time, Mrs Slocombe.
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Time for what? We wont have any customers, y'know. And what it's doing to my domestic arrangements! Having a bath at six o'clock in the morning played havoc with my pussy!
- [trying to dissuade a customer from buying a raincoat]
- The Raincoat In The Window: No, it'll do fine. Go on and wrap it up.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Despite the fact it's the wrong color?
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: And it isn't waterproof?
- The Raincoat In The Window: Yes, just wrap it up. And I must say, I'm really most impressed with your honesty. One would think you didn't want to sell me an overcoat.
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: [walking up] And that's because you've got a fat face, piggy eyes, and a pimple on your nose!
- [the customer bursts into tears and walks off]
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: You young salesmen just don't know how not to sell clothes.
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: [Indistinct mumble through a mouthful of food that has become stuck in his false teeth] And how did you arrive at that hy-poff-e-thith?
- Mr. Dick Lucas: I beg your pardon?
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: I won't say that again. My teeth are caught up with this c-custard.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: [Mr. Rumbold catches him snooping in his office] I heard the phone ringing, so I came in to answer it in case it was urgent.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Well, why haven't you answered it?
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Yes. Well, I suddenly thought to myself, "Perhaps it's a private call and Mr. Rumbold won't want me to answer it," I thought.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Yes, well, answer it now and ask them if they're 21 with long blonde hair and a 40-inch bust.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: [answers the phone] Hello, are you 21 with long blonde hair and a 40-inch bust?
- Young Mr. Grace: No, I'm 80 with short white hair and... hardly any bust at all.
- Captain Peacock: [after Henry's wife has bitterly torn apart a ball gown] You'll have to pay for that, you know! You've just ruined a perfectly good dress!
- Henry: You've just ruined a perfectly good marriage!
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [to Mr. Lucas] It's just like Crossroads, isn't it?
- Captain Stephen Peacock: A customer has just complained to me that you said he had a fat face, piggy eyes, and a pimple on his nose.
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: [smiles sweetly] Captain Peacock... am I the sort of man who would tell a customer that he had a fat face, piggy eyes, and a pimple on his nose?
- [Mrs. Slocombe has just taken a ride on Miss Brahms' uncle's motorcycle]
- Mrs. Slocombe: When you said he was a TT driver, I thought you meant he didn't drink!
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: [trying to lure Rumboldt out of his office by pretending to be a young, sexy admirer] I'll see you in a minute, my sweet! Meet me by the lift.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: How shall I know you?
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Oh, well, I'll just go over my vital statistics again. I'm 21 with blue eyes, long blonde hair, a tiny waist, and a 40-inch bust.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe?
- Mrs. Betty Slocombe: [normal voice] Goodbye, Ethel.
- [hangs up]
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, we do not make personal phone calls on the firm's time... neither do we contravene the Trades Descriptions Act.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: What did we take last Monday, Mr. Grainger?
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: [stammering, upset] Oh, don't... don't ask me! My memory's like a... like a... like a... like a...
- Mr. Dick Lucas: [helping him out] Like a sieve.
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: Thank you, Mr. Lucas.
- Mrs. Slocombe: [the lady in a hurry is trying on hats as fast as she can. Miss Brahms passes the lady a white hat to try on] This is the last one of these - it was a very exclusive line. Oh, that DOES suit madam.
- [Miss Brahms passes her a light blue hat]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, that DOES suit madam.
- [Miss Brahms passes her a dark blue hat]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, that DOES suit madam.
- [Miss Brahms passes her a yellow hat]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, that DOES suit madam.
- [Miss Brahms passes her the hat box lid by mistake]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, that DOES suit madam.
- [the lady tries on the light blue hat again]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, that DOES suit madam...
- Captain Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, your needle's stuck in the groove!
- Captain Peacock: Everything all right, sir?
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Oh, yes, yes, yes. I was just counting the customers.
- Captain Peacock: Well, at the moment we have one there and one over there.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Well, good. I'll make a note of that. Carry on, Captain Peacock.
- [Captain Peacock stays standing in the middle of the floor waiting on customers to ask him for help]
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Carry on, Captain Peacock!
- Captain Peacock: I am carrying on, sir. This is what I do.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [Incredulous] All day?
- Captain Peacock: All day.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I'll make a note of that as well!
- Henry's Wife: [on buying the expensive dress] It *was* your idea, Henry! I'd sooner have had a washing machine!