- Miss Virginia Edwards: [Sitting on Mr. Grace's knee while typing] Mr. Grace! A man's just appeared outside your window, and he's beckoning!
- Old Mr. Grace: Has he a sickle and a long white beard, and is he wearing a nightshirt?
- Miss Virginia Edwards: No.
- Old Mr. Grace: Oh, thank heavens for that!
- Old Mr. Grace: [Looks out window] It's young Mr. Humphries!
- Old Mr. Grace: [shouts out to Mr. Humphries outside the window] What are you doing out there, practicing to be a fairy?
- Mr. Humphries: I've just come to say, we're all up on the roof and we're not coming down until our demands have been satisfied.
- Old Mr. Grace: I'm in very much the same position.
- Old Mr. Grace's secretary: Mr. Grace, here's a new applicant for your secretary.
- Old Mr. Grace: Thank you. Leave us alone!
- [secretary leaves, Miss Edwards stays]
- Old Mr. Grace: What's your name, dear?
- Old Mr. Grace's secretary: Virginia Edwards.
- Old Mr. Grace: That's a nice name.
- Old Mr. Grace's secretary: Would you like to see my curriculum vitae?
- Old Mr. Grace: Not at 10:30 in the morning.
- Captain Peacock: [staff are doing crosswords] I'm on a very difficult one in The Times. Two words, 'a' and 'p': "Found in an ancient Greek bath."
- Mrs. Slocombe: "Ancient Greek bath." 'A' and 'p'. It's on the tip of my tongue.
- [pause]
- Mrs. Slocombe: I've got it: A plughole!
- Miss Brahms: [rolls eyes] Archimedes' Principle.
- Captain Peacock: [surprised] I wasn't aware that you were acquainted with Ancient Greece, Miss Brahms.
- Miss Brahms: I'm not. I read it on a matchbox.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [Instructing Mrs. Slocombe during a sales exercise in which she and Capt. Peacock play a married couple shopping at the store] Remember, you are a typical suburban married couple.
- Captain Peacock: [Annoyed] I object to that word, "suburban."
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Well, how would you describe yourself?
- Captain Peacock: Upper middle class.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Have you got two bathrooms in your house?
- Captain Peacock: No.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Have you got gnomes in your garden?
- Captain Peacock: A couple of very small ones.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Are you within walking distance of a Metropolitan Line station?
- Captain Peacock: Yes.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: You're suburban.
- Mr. Grossman: I think I ought to look for another job.
- Mr. Bert Spooner: What could you do?
- Mr. Grossman: What do you mean, what could I do? I've got my brain. I've got my eyes, my senses, my hands, my feet.
- Mr. Humphries: You could be a guide dog.