- Narrator: There were actually two "Startled Straight" tents, but George Sr. had accidentally wandered into the church sponsored one, determined to steer homosexual men into a more heterosexual lifestyle.
- George Bluth Sr.: You want to have some guy reach around you in the middle of the night, start messing with your junk?
- Gay Guy: Is he ugly?
- George Bluth Sr.: You can't see anything. It's pitch black. And it NEVER STOPS, guys! And everybody acts like it's no big deal.
- Gay Guy: Is there a cover charge?
- Narrator: And George Sr. had managed to startle nobody but himself.
- George Bluth Sr.: There's nothing to do there all day but lift weights, fold laundry... and get thrown into a cage with a bunch of sweaty men. Oh god, I cant go back. Cant go back!
- [he leaves]
- Gay Guy: I'm glad he wont be there. He's ugly.
- Lindsay Funke: Maybe if I can get Hope this crown, her father might just want to crown me, if you catch my drift.
- Michael: I'm guessing "have sex", but that would be meeting you more than half way.
- Narrator: Michael and his son had never made a good athletic team. The only thing that George Michael was good at was hanging motion-less from the monkey bars, which the President's Council On Fitness ranks as "slightly easier than the slide".
- Tobias Fünke: He might be afraid of sex, but you're not.
- George Michael Bluth: I'm not afraid of sex.
- Tobias Fünke: Well, OK, have sex with this girl. Right now. Get in there, have some sex with here.
- [George Michael hesitates]
- Tobias Fünke: I thought so.
- Michael: I'm not going to lie to your son.
- George "Gob" Bluth II: Oh, come on! I lie to yours all the time.
- Bob Loblaw: Why don't you volunteer for something?
- Larry: I'll do anything to get out of this fucking apartment.
- Lucille: You'll do anything to get out of fucking in this apartment.
- Larry: Ah, you're drunk.
- Narrator: Meanwhile, at the Church And State Fair, Maeby was signing up for the inner beauty pagaent.
- George-Michael Bluth: So why are you doing this, Maeby?
- Mae "Maeby" Fünke: It's Shirley. I'm just here to show that all these pagaents care about is looks.
- George-Michael Bluth: What's with your nose?
- Mae "Maeby" Fünke: Isn't it cool? It's the same one Nicole Kidman wore in "The Hours".
- Narrator: It had been purchased for her by Jamie Kennedy who was hoping to land a part in Maeby's film.
- Jamie Kennedy: Ten thousand dollars!
- Mae "Maeby" Fünke: You're such a dear, but I'm not putting you in my remake.
- [a giant green "X" appears on Jamie Kennedy]
- Michael: Oh that's a tough race.
- Steve Holt: Only for a wimp, a wuss, a pussy.
- Narrator: And Steve didn't mean "pussy cat".
- Michael: Are those pills?
- Steve Holt: I got them from Coach. They're filled with oxygen and it makes you incontinent. It's called "Oxy Incontin".
- Gob: First place chick is hot but has an attitude: doesn't "date" magicians. Second place is someone weird usually, like a Chinese girl... or a geologist.
- Hope Loblaw: [singing] The Lord has a place / but my body wants to go all / state on / state on / state on you.
- Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Buster signs Steve Holt up for the Army.
- George "Gob" Bluth II: No, you can't, you can't! I'm finally ready to be a father to you. I know that now.
- Steve Holt: I don't go in for another two years.
- George "Gob" Bluth II: Well, as your father, can I sign something?
- [a giant green "X" appears on GOB]
- Narrator: And George Sr. finds out that a fake Popemobile... cant stop real bullets.