- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [Wojo is filling out a report from an elderly homeless woman who was a victim of a mugging] I gotta know how old you are?
- Mrs. Hirsch, Homeless Woman: 61!
- [Wojo hunts and pecks 61]
- Mrs. Hirsch, Homeless Woman: I turned 45 in 61.
- [Wojo erases 61]
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: 45 in 61.
- [Wojo does some mental arithmetic, slowly... 45, 46...]
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: 16 years, 16 and 45... That's 61!
- Mrs. Hirsch, Homeless Woman: Yep.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Right.
- [Wojo hunts and pecks 61, again]
- Brad Laneer: I'm Brad Laneer, legal representative of Federated Paper company, a division of MacMillan Chemical
- Det. Ron Harris: Say again...
- Brad Laneer: I'm Brad Laneer, legal representative of Federated Paper company
- Det. Ron Harris: Hmm.. You make toilet paper
- Brad Laneer: Yes we do. Your Desk Sergeant downstairs...
- Det. Ron Harris: How come you can never get a roll started right ? You always have to scratch and claw at it till it ends up in shreds
- Brad Laneer: Is your Captain Miller here ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, uh, Barney. You know, you people ought to do something about that
- Det. Ron Harris: I'm in the legal department, I really don't know anything about that end of the business
- Det. Ron Harris: True that. True That.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yes, I'm Captain Miller can I help you
- Det. Ron Harris: Uh... this is Mr. Laneer, Barney, he's with the Federated Toilet Paper Company
- Brad Laneer: Just Paper, Federated Paper Company, we're a division of MacMillan Chemical
- Det. Ron Harris: They do make toilet paper, but they don't brag about it. He's their attorney
- Brad Laneer: One of them. There are 57 of us.
- Capt. Barney Miller: 57... That's a lot of lawyers
- Brad Laneer: We are a big firm
- Brad Laneer: The problem is a gradual erosion of respect for the free enterprise system and consequently the increasing attacks on the corporate entities that are the backbone of that system
- [Harris laughs]
- Capt. Barney Miller: I would say that is out of our jurisdiction
- Brad Laneer: Okay, how about vandalism and theft, offices ransacked, files rifled
- Capt. Barney Miller: That's more like it.
- Brad Laneer: I was giving a broader overall picture... bringing in the social implications from a jurisprudence point of view