- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: [to Father Paul] You know something, if you're not a priest, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. And if you are a priest, "Good morning, Father".
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: [looking in the newspaper] It's funny, ain't it?
- Det. Ron Harris: What's that?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: There's no weather report in the paper.
- Det. Ron Harris: Maybe we ain't gonna have any.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Must be the spray cans, you know? The weatherman can't see through all that underarm deodorant up in the clouds.
- George Webber: You put your faith in somebody and they just make a fool of you. I am sick and tired of being lied to, and robbed, and poisoned!
- Det. Phil Fish: That's the wrong way, Mr. Webber. First try a divorce.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: There's a guy here with a load of dynamite.
- Plumber: Gotta use a snake. Dynamite'll ruin the plumbing.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Have a look at this, Harris. Now we gotta pull all the catalytic converters off the squad cars.
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh, wow, we just put 'em on there.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Gotta take 'em off. Seems they're eatin' up too much gas.
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey, look, what's more important? Preventing smog or conserving energy?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Last month, America wanted to live. This month, it wants to go to the mountains.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Maybe you should see a doctor.
- Det. Phil Fish: I did. He said it would be easier to fix the toilet.
- George Webber: If you don't mind, I'd rather you stayed...
- Father Paul: Who, me - why?
- George Webber: I'd like your absolution.
- Father Paul: [Raises hand] You got it!
- Capt. Barney Miller: Sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Webber. I'm Capt. Miller -
- [noticing Webber's dynamite belt, puts out his hands]
- Capt. Barney Miller: Don't get up!
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: [Raging at Webber] You got a lot of nerve coming upi here!
- Capt. Barney Miller: [soto voce] Have you considered that thing might be activated by loud noises?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: [Taken aback, in loud whisper] You got a lot of nerve coming up here!
- George Webber: Corruption, treachery, fighting in the streets, pollution. There's nowhere to hide.
- Capt. Barney Miller: You're not supposed to hide. You're supposed to try to make it better.
- George Webber: No. It's too late.
- Capt. Barney Miller: No, it's never too late.
- George Webber: It's all over for us, Captain.
- Capt. Barney Miller: It's not all over. That's the easy way. Survival is tough, but it goes on. All it takes is a little determination, a little courage, and a little faith.
- George Webber: Faith? In what?
- Capt. Barney Miller: In human nature, in science, in technology, in man's initiative.