- Det. Janice Wentworth: Sorry I'm late, cross-town traffic is the pits and there is absolutely no air in this room. You could sustain heavy brain damage from living in a condition like this. Do you people realize your breathing in pure heat ? Who took all the air ?
- Det. Phil Fish: We don't use the stuff. You must be thinking about another precinct .
- Det. Janice Wentworth: Got a lot of action out there tonight, huh ?
- Det. Bailey: Ah, the freaks are out in force.
- Det. Janice Wentworth: Good, there'll be plenty to go around
- Det. Bailey: You really enjoy your work, don't you ?
- Det. Janice Wentworth: Yeah, it's important, it's exciting, and it's the best way for a woman to meet the public... armed.
- Mugger: What you lousy cops done is illegal walking around dressing like perverts.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey,hey,hey... you dirty guy, you. Look, one more crack like that out of you and I am going to reach into your mouth with these two fingers and pull out a tooth. Now, settle down
- Mugger: You got some weird body for a man, fellow ?
- Det. Bailey: April fool's, fool.
- Mugger: Holy Mackerel, one's phoney and one's real
- Det. Bailey: Wrong again.
- Capt. Barney Miller: I've already split my shifts, and everyone's working double duty. I need more help. Things happen in 100 degree weather. Tempers get short... I said "Tempers get short".
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: How can you sit there wearing a tie and not sweating
- Det. Ron Harris: Willpower. Don't you think it would be easy for me to sweat if I were to let myself go.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Your saying you don't have to sweat if you don't want to.
- Det. Ron Harris: It's just a matter of values, man, this is a $30 shirt
- Det. Janice Wentworth: I wish I could do that . It would keep my hair from getting straight .
- Det. Ron Harris: I can do that to
- Beckman: Okay boys, girls... whatever. I don't want to hear no more complaints. Right away you got luxury accommodations, enjoy.
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey it can't be turned on, it's not doing anything
- Det. Phil Fish: My very words to Bernice
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, the idea is to present an attractive target to a potential mugger
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I could wear my old Marine uniform
- Capt. Barney Miller: And carry a purse
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I just don't want to wear a dress
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, it's just another assignment, everybody's got to pull it.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well... a... Harris hasn't gone yet.
- Capt. Barney Miller: We all agreed Harris was going to go last, in deference to his mustache Chano went this evening, didn't he ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, But... but Chano likes that stuff. "Hey, hey, look at me, Secret Service, Undercover.All that spy junk."
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, It's a proven, effective method
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I... I don't know how to act like a woman. I don't know how to walk like a woman. I don't know how to sound like a woman...
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Do the best you can.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay, I ain't going to be any good at it.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Don't threaten, just give me your best shot.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You know, I could have grown a mustache. That's what I get for being clean-cut.
- Det. Janice Wentworth: Excuse me, ma'am,did I hear you correctly? Did you say your husband beat you?
- Mrs. Boyle: Yeah, you wanna seethe rest of it? An elbow in the kidneys, a kick in the shins, a wrist burn. And to top it off when he left,he threw my fish in the sink.
- Det. Janice Wentworth: You know, an animal like that should be put in jail.
- Mrs. Boyle: What do you think I'm doing here, lady ?
- [Wojo is trying to open a window that won't budge]
- Det. Phil Fish: You'll never open that window. They nailed it down in 1932, on the day this building was condemned.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I can't breathe in here, Fish. Room's like a oven.