Barney Miller (TV Series)
The Rand Report (1977)
Ron Carey: Officer Carl Levitt
Quotes
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Det. Ron Harris : Man... Man... Man did you read this? Did you read the latest issue of Newsweek ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : No, was I suppose to ?
Det. Ron Harris : Hey Barn, did you... read this report from the RAND Corporation for the Law Enforcement Assistance Administration ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Oh yeah, I know this report
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : What's it say ?
Det. Ron Harris : It says that uniform cops do all the work and the Detectives are a waste of money .
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Your kidding
Capt. Barney Miller : Everyone is entitled to their opinion
Det. Ron Harris : Yeah, the last time they had an opinion they laid off 3,000 cops .
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Whose this RAND Corporation ?
Det. Ron Harris : It's a company, that don't make nothing
Capt. Barney Miller : It's called a "think tank" ?
Det. Ron Harris : Ah, a bunch of guys, they lay on a beach out there in California, thinking about something and then they write a report and make a million dollars
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : Sounds like a perfect dream
Capt. Barney Miller : "Detectives spend an inordinate time polishing their image"
Det. Ron Harris : Huh, Do you believe that ?
Capt. Barney Miller : "They spend almost as much time shuffling paper as they do cracking cases."... Here..."If Detectives, who are the elite members of the police force don't solve most of the crimes, who does ?"
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Oh yeah, I'd like to know, who does ?
Capt. Barney Miller : "Principally, the much maligned cop on the beat"
Det. Ron Harris : Oh man, who ever maligned the cop on the beat
Officer Carl Levitt : Good Morning, Detectives
Det. Ron Harris : Without good cause
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Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Yeah, okay, we'll be right there. Barn, Burglary in Progress over at the Canford Arms Hotel
Capt. Barney Miller : Uh, Harris go with Wojo
Det. Ron Harris : Why me? I haven't finihed polishing my image
Capt. Barney Miller : Okay
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : You notice when there's trouble, who they call
Officer Carl Levitt : Hey, it wasn't me who tipped them off.
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Officer Carl Levitt : Hey... looks like you have a full house Levitt.
Capt. Barney Miller : What can I do for you Levitt ?
Officer Carl Levitt : It's too bad those RAND report guys aren't here to see it
Capt. Barney Miller : What is it Levitt ?
Officer Carl Levitt : I'm looking for Wojociehowicz, he's assigned to my squad ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Uh... Wojo just stepped out for a moment.
Officer Carl Levitt : Oh... I'll wait.
Capt. Barney Miller : It might be more than a moment
Officer Carl Levitt : Oh, Where did he go ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Well, we don't know where he is right now ?
Officer Carl Levitt : Bugged out, did he sir ?
Capt. Barney Miller : No , he didn't bug out. He just went someplace to think.
Officer Carl Levitt : He's suppose to be on duty downstairs, right now.
Capt. Barney Miller : Look Levitt, I'd appreciate it if you gave him a little grace period.
Officer Carl Levitt : Got it, sir, I'll phony up the report
Capt. Barney Miller : You don't have to phony up anything. It's just a question of a little time.
Capt. Barney Miller : Time... right. I'll just move the time back on the old shift. Don't worry about it ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Don't move anything back, Levitt ?
Officer Carl Levitt : Look, one hand washes the other
Capt. Barney Miller : Don't do anything, is that clear ?
Officer Carl Levitt : Consider it scratched ?
Capt. Barney Miller : What ?
Officer Carl Levitt : Your back.
Capt. Barney Miller : Get out of here, Levitt
Officer Carl Levitt : Sometimes, I almost think your not kidding
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Officer Carl Levitt : Captain, I haven't seen Wojciehowicz yet. What do I with my strength reports here.
Capt. Barney Miller : Do whatever you have to?
Officer Carl Levitt : Bury it
Capt. Barney Miller : No, don't bury it. Fill it out, honestly, truthfully, exactly as it happens, is that clear?
Officer Carl Levitt : God, I hope so , sir
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Officer Carl Levitt : Okay, Wojociehowicz, time for muster?