- Det. Ron Harris: You remember Bruno Bender, local merchant and community reactionary ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Welcome back Mr. Bender. Welcome back. Who's that ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Just some clown we picked up .
- Mitchell Warner: You want to see a photo of Inez, the South American revoIutionary I had to live with for two years
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Warner, you want to have a seat?
- Mitchell Warner: Twenty-two years with the company, and then one day it's "so long Boris"
- Capt. Barney Miller: Sorry to hear that.
- Mitchell Warner: Twenty-two years of blind loyalty, Pulling their dirty tricks, bribing foreign officials, toppling regimes... not so much a word of thanks.
- Capt. Barney Miller: It's very ungrateful of them, Mr. Warner but what we're dealing with here is something as... as mundane as disorderly conduct.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, so, you want to have a seat ?
- Mitchell Warner: They wouldn't even give me a letter of reference
- Felice Douglas: I suppose it must be very exciting, very glamorous
- Mitchell Warner: Sure... Sure
- Felice Douglas: I mean, you must get to travel a lot
- Mitchell Warner: Yeah. Bug-infested hotels, lousy food, cheap rental cars. You've seen too many movies, lady.
- Felice Douglas: Just trying to make conversation
- Mitchell Warner: Thanks
- Bruno Bender: He was scaring customers away
- Leslie Phillips: They were entranced
- Bruno Bender: Well, no law says I got to let some freak do weird things in front of my store
- Leslie Phillips: Mime is the oldest and purest of all art forms
- Bruno Bender: Yeah, I got your art right here
- Capt. Barney Miller: Okay, let's everybody relax. Just, take it easy, huh? Uh, Dietrich, Do you want to take Mr. Bender's statement ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Yeah, all right Mr. Bender ?
- Mitchell Warner: They got rid of me because I was making too many waves. I heard too much, I seen too much.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay, Okay. Got to put you in the cage ?
- Mitchell Warner: I could tell you things about "The Fall of Saigon" that will make your skin crawl.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What happened ?
- Mitchell Warner: What ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: About "The Fall of Saigon"? What happened ?
- Mitchell Warner: It fell, okay ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay ?
- Bruno Bender: All that dumb stuff they do? They don't even say nothing?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Mime is an acquired taste ?
- Bruno Bender: Hey, I like good comedy, you know ? Remember the "Three Stooges"?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Yeah, Slapstick ?
- Bruno Bender: That's great stuff.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Counterphobic responses to violence in humor
- Bruno Bender: Oh yeah
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Pain is funny.
- Bruno Bender: Really ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You want to feel a joke ?
- Bruno Bender: No, No, No, No, Thanks.
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey Barn, Do you really think he worked for the CIA ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: That's what he says.
- Det. Ron Harris: Must be bitter, resentful, huh ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Probably ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Barn, the man's got expose written all over him
- Capt. Barney Miller: Somehow, I had the feeling there was a literary phoenix arising from the ashes
- Det. Ron Harris: A couple of other ex-agents wrote them, sold 200,000... 300,000 copies Barn. I mean, it could be book of the month, easy.
- Capt. Barney Miller: If you'll excuse me, I will be in my office.
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, I will keep you up to date.
- Capt. Barney Miller: How are we doing, Ms. Douglas ?
- Felice Douglas: There are so many of these men, It's hard to understand.
- Capt. Barney Miller: There is a lot of pent-up frustration in there.
- Felice Douglas: If only it could be harnessed for peaceful use.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Maybe someday.
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey, how is everything in there ?
- Mitchell Warner: Oh, Who are you ?
- Det. Ron Harris: I am Detective Ron Harris. Oh, feeling a little disaffected,, huh?
- Mitchell Warner: I don't feel like talking right now ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey, you know, when I'm down in the dumps, you know what makes me feel better ?
- Mitchell Warner: What ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Writing a book
- Mitchell Warner: You mean like Agee or Snepp did ? We have a word for guy like you who leak Agency secrets.
- Det. Ron Harris: Co-Author ?
- Bruno Bender: Hey, hey, wait a minute what about us.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Gentlemen, I'm afraid there are still a couple of assault complaints outstanding, unless you two have reconciled
- Bruno Bender: Well, look, if promises to stops weirding off in front of my store, it's going to be alright?
- Leslie Phillips: Weirding off ? I'm an artist, and artists don't weird off.
- Bruno Bender: Who needs it ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Now, Mr. Binder, whatever you think of Mr. Phillips, he does have the ability to draw a crowd and it appears to me, you can turn that to your advantage
- Bruno Bender: Can I sue him ?
- Leslie Phillips: I don't have no money . But, listen I really could help with your advertising at your store.
- Bruno Bender: Oh yeah, sure !
- Leslie Phillips: No, No, listen, really, really, I could mine different sporting goods when you have them on sale
- Bruno Bender: Yeah
- Leslie Phillips: Like... baseball... basketball... tennis... .
- Bruno Bender: Let me see mace.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Dietrich, I have a feeling Mr. Binder and Mr. Phillips will be leaving us, you want to get their valuables ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I saw it coming .
- Officer Carl Levitt: Sir, they're ready for him at Bellevue.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Why don't you run him over ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I'll go with him Barn
- Capt. Barney Miller: No, it's all right you got work to do here. Levitt can handle it.
- Officer Carl Levitt: Thank you, sir. Okay, Warner let's go.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Call Bellevue, tell them you have a customer.
- Det. Ron Harris: Yes, sir .
- Det. Ron Harris: Well, that was a refreshing change of pace
- Capt. Barney Miller: Let Dietrich out ?
- Det. Ron Harris: This very minute.
- Det. Ron Harris: Just a thought ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Here you go, Woj.
- Mitchell Warner: Now everybody stays exactly where they are.
- Officer Carl Levitt: Back a little sooner than I expected
- Mitchell Warner: All right, I want everyone to move over there.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Barney
- Mitchell Warner: Come on , ma'am
- Mitchell Warner: Get... You know, you were all very convincing, but your not playing with a kid.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah Woj, Oh my God .
- Det. Ron Harris: There's been a new development
- Capt. Barney Miller: I see
- Mitchell Warner: Get over there with the others.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah sure. Heading over there. Where'd he get the weapon ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Levitt.
- Officer Carl Levitt: See, we were going up the corridor and it was a little dark -- and then all of a sudden...
- Mitchell Warner: Shut up !
- Officer Carl Levitt: He's mad at me
- Mitchell Warner: Shut up ! Now I would very much appreciate it... If everybody would put their weapons in there
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Warner
- Mitchell Warner: Now
- Capt. Barney Miller: Right now, the man said put the weapons here, gentlemen.
- Mitchell Warner: All right, cut out the act.
- Capt. Barney Miller: The act ?
- Mitchell Warner: I've been with the company since 1955. I've been on a lot of operations, but never one like this. Wow ! Beautifully staged -- look at that --Beautifully rehearsed. I bought it. I bought it.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Warner
- Mitchell Warner: Tiny little precinct, Broken down furniture -- Incredibly authentic. A woman comes in complaining about a Flasher, you got Flashers. A couple of screwball citizens acting out an assault complaint. Wow. Don't you think I recognize a company operation when I see one?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Warner, this is the 12th Precinct.New York City Police Departments and we are police officers. What you see is what you got.
- Mitchell Warner: How come that your man is so anxious to find out whether I might be blowing some company secrets ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Sergeant Harris is a writer. His interest is...
- Det. Ron Harris: Avarice, Pure Avarice.
- Mitchell Warner: A writer? Written anything that I might know ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Nothing in book form. But, I got some..
- Mitchell Warner: Get out of there.
- Det. Ron Harris: Look, I was... I was just going to show you... some rejection slips.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: He's telling the truth. He can't sell nothing.
- Capt. Barney Miller: What is it you want Mr. Warner
- Mitchell Warner: I want you to call them off .
- Capt. Barney Miller: Call who off ?
- Mitchell Warner: Call off the Company
- Capt. Barney Miller: Company?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Call them ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: All right, Wojo, try calling the CIA.
- Mitchell Warner: Ah, This phone over here. Come on
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Take it easy
- Mitchell Warner: Turn around. That's right. Sit down. Now dial.
- Bruno Bender: The Ritz Brothers, didn't cold cream on their kissers to funny.
- Mitchell Warner: Everybody stay right where you are.
- Bruno Bender: What the hell is going on here ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Gentlemen, Mr Warner's is in charge, just do everything he says.
- Mitchell Warner: Put your gun in the trash.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Sure, its an old gun
- Mitchell Warner: Now you three, into the cage
- Bruno Bender: Hey, you got no right to do this, I'm a veteran
- Mitchell Warner: Inside
- Bruno Bender: Hey, who sold him the gun, huh ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Will you get in the cage Binder?
- Bruno Bender: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hello... uh... spy department please ?... This is the New York Police Department... Sergeant Wojciehowicz
- Capt. Barney Miller: Look, may I ?
- Mitchell Warner: Please go ahead.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Hello ? Uh... Hello ? Hello. This is Captain Miller of the New York Police Department... to whom am I speaking please... Well, I guess I don't have to know, but it's imperative that I speak to someone in the Clandestine Department. A very, very angry man with a gun, does that qualify as life or death... Thank you. I'll hold on... What a company, huh ?
- Bruno Bender: If law-abiding citizen were allowed to arm, this wouldn't have happened?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Hello ? This is the Clandestine Division... We got a problem
- Mitchell Warner: Tell them the lid's off. Warner knows everything.
- Capt. Barney Miller: The lid's off. Warner knows everything.
- Mitchell Warner: They don't take their spooks away from me, I'm going to take myself down to the New York Times and spill my guts
- Capt. Barney Miller: He wants you to halt the operation or he goes to the New York Times
- Mitchell Warner: You don't jerk around with Mitchell Warner ! I wrote the book
- Capt. Barney Miller: You don't jerk around with...
- Mitchell Warner: Come here, give me that -- Hello ? What ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: They hung up on me shortly after I said hello. You want honesty, you got honesty.
- Mitchell Warner: You gave them a code word to initiate Plan 2?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Come on, there is no Plan 2. There wasn't even a Plan 1? They hung up because they thought I was a crank and given the circumstances I was
- Mitchell Warner: Is that so ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Uh, Mrs. Douglas, you can leave anytime you want
- Felice Douglas: I'm not finished, I like to finish what I start