Barney Miller (TV Series)

Wojo's Girl: Part 1 (1979)

Hal Linden: Capt. Barney Miller

Photos 

Quotes 

• Capt. Barney Miller : Well, look, it's always tough to make any kind of commitment. I can't say anything to you other than go with you feelings

• Harriet Brauer : Captain, he's at it again

  Capt. Barney Miller : He is, how consistent of him ?

  Harriet Brauer : Harriet Brauer, you remember, you arrested my husband last year

  Capt. Barney Miller : We did ?

  Harriet Brauer : The tall man with the crazy eyes. The nut with the gold

  Capt. Barney Miller : Oh yeah.

  Det. Ron Harris : Of course

  Harriet Brauer : He -- He even sold you a gold coin, remember ?

  Det. Ron Harris : Vividly, it's gone down 28 bucks, since I bought it

  Capt. Barney Miller : What's the problem ?

  Det. Ron Harris : Too many speculators

• Capt. Barney Miller : Well, I still not convinced, there is anything illegal about this

  Det. Ron Harris : Well, we're coming to that. You see, apparently, Brookburn Enterprises, also supplies it applicants with weapons

  Harriet Brauer : Last week, he brought home a Bazooka

  Capt. Barney Miller : Maybe you should check it out. Take a couple of uniforms with you

  Det. Ron Harris : Right , Barn

• Nells Finney : He had hit me from no reason

  Frank Mallory : I had a right, he put me through hell

  Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Can you stop yelling, it's an old building

  Capt. Barney Miller : What do we got here ?

  Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : That's Frank Mallory and this Nells Finney. We found them rolling around the gutter in front of Finney's business.

  Frank Mallory : I was just trying to get a refund.

  Capt. Barney Miller : A refund ?

  Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Yeah, uh, Finney here owns a travel agency

  Nells Finney : Jolly Jaunt Tours.

  Frank Mallory : 13 hours on a plane, 5 hours in customs, and 2 hours in a dirty taxi.

  Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Mr Mallory returned from a trip to Europe, this morning that Mr. Finney had arranged.

  Frank Mallory : 28 days of horror

  Nells Finney : I told you it wasn't our deluxe package

  Frank Mallory : Listen, my wife had been planning this trip for ten years. It was going to be the honeymoon we never had. We were gonna revitalize our relationship and now she wants a divorce. Did you know that?

  Capt. Barney Miller : Just... just take it easy, take it easy, Mr. Mallory. Whose charging who ?

  Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : It's mutual

  Capt. Barney Miller : I'm gonna slide Mr. Mallory around here to your desk

  Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Come on, Mr. Mallory, here we go

  Capt. Barney Miller : Wojo , you got Mr. Finney

  Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Have a seat there, Mr. Finney

• Det. Ron Harris : Okay, Right this way !

  Phillip Brauer : I know, I know, I have been here before ?

  Det. Ron Harris : He hasn't.

  Phillip Brauer : You getting a big kick out of this, don't you ?

  Harriet Brauer : I'm doing it for you

  Phillip Brauer : I don't want you to

  Det. Ron Harris : Hey... Hey. You remember Captain Miller ?

  Phillip Brauer : You can't stop me. This is America.

  Det. Ron Harris : You do remember Mr. Brauer ?

  Capt. Barney Miller : Now I do .

  Phillip Brauer : A man has a right to give his life meaning. A man has a right to participate

  Capt. Barney Miller : In what?

  Phillip Brauer : In the ebb and flow of current events.

  Capt. Barney Miller : That's very conscientious of you, but your wife is very concerned for your safety

  Phillip Brauer : I don't care what she told you, I want you to understand one thing. I have thought this thing over very carefully and calmly. This is not the act of a crazy man

  Harriet Brauer : Look at the eyes, the eyes

  Phillip Brauer : My eyes have always look like this.I've had pictures since I was a little kid.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Why don't you have a seat, Mr Brauer, we'll try... ?

  Phillip Brauer : Your a very sick woman

  Harriet Brauer : Coming from you, that's a compliment

  Phillip Brauer : Oh, really...

  Capt. Barney Miller : Mr Brauer, why don't you have a seat, huh ?

• Capt. Barney Miller : Expecting trouble ?

  Col. Charles Dundee : I keep it mostly for sentimental reasons

  Capt. Barney Miller : According to your advertisement, you run some kind of recruitment agency

  Col. Charles Dundee : We're looking for a few good men.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Is, uh... that one of them

  Col. Charles Dundee : Brauer is a good man.

  Capt. Barney Miller : You would send a fifty year old appliance salesman off to fight in some guerilla war

  Col. Charles Dundee : You say war, like it's there's something dirty about it.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Must have slipped out

  Capt. Barney Miller : Captain, war is the one thing we can depend on, in a crazy, mixed-up uncertain world.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Why don't you have a seat over at Sergeant Harris's desk and he'll get some further information out of you.

  Det. Ron Harris : Thank's Barn... Mr. Dundee

  Col. Charles Dundee : Colonel

• Det. Ron Harris : Oh, Barney, uh, I finished checking out the Colonel. He's got a Collector's License for the weapons.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Oh, how about Brookburn Enterprises

  Det. Ron Harris : Tacky, but it's legal

  Col. Charles Dundee : Anything else you need, Captain ?

  Capt. Barney Miller : Ah, not at the moment Colonel . Thank you for your cooperation

  Col. Charles Dundee : My pleasure, ready Brauer ?

  Phillip Brauer : Look, uh, Colonel there's, uh... there's been a change of plans . I can't go with you

  Col. Charles Dundee : Oh.

  Phillip Brauer : It's, uh, it's my wife, she's unstable. I can't leave her alone.

  Col. Charles Dundee : Well, that's too bad. It would have been great fun.

  Phillip Brauer : Yeah

  Col. Charles Dundee : But... there will be other chances -- Middle East, Asia, Cleveland... Touch of humor

  Phillip Brauer : Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks

  Col. Charles Dundee : Don't mention it

  Harriet Brauer : Phil ?

  Phillip Brauer : Yeah.

  Harriet Brauer : Can we go ?

  Phillip Brauer : Yeah, We can go .

  Harriet Brauer : Oh. Oh. Thank you so much

  Det. Ron Harris : Anytime

  Harriet Brauer : Everyone

  Capt. Barney Miller : Mrs. Brauer

  Harriet Brauer : Oh, Captain, thank you, everyone

  Capt. Barney Miller : Good luck, Mr. Brauer.

  Phillip Brauer : Be seeing you. Yeah, I'll bet you anything . I'll be seeing you

  Col. Charles Dundee : Captain , see you around

  Capt. Barney Miller : Probably, we're going to keep an little eye on your collection

  Col. Charles Dundee : No problem. Oh, uh... you know, a man of your experience, you'd be a major, easy

  Capt. Barney Miller : Captain's plenty

  Col. Charles Dundee : Anybody else ?

  Frank Mallory , Nells Finney : No... No

  Col. Charles Dundee : Stand easy, men ?

• Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Captain, I checked Mallory and Finney for priors. There both clean

  Capt. Barney Miller : Fine, Gentlemen, we have no reason to hold you. Want to hold each other ?

  Frank Mallory : Huh ?

  Capt. Barney Miller : Who is charging whom ?

  Nells Finney : Well, if it's alright with you, I just want to get out of here

  Capt. Barney Miller : Good. Mr. Mallory ?

  Frank Mallory : I just want to get to bed. I'm starting to hallucinate.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Fine. Let them loose.

  Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : That's an interesting tactic, you used.

  Capt. Barney Miller : What's that ?

  Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Whenever we have assault cases. You always put the two combatants in the cell, give them the opportunity to reconcile

  Capt. Barney Miller : Thank you

  Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Or beat the hell out of each other again

  Capt. Barney Miller : Well, I have faith in human nature. I figure, two intelligent adults -- give them the opportunity...

  Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : I better get them out of there

• Nells Finney : What's going to happen now ?

  Capt. Barney Miller : Sergeant Wojciehowicz is going to book you

  Nells Finney : It's very ironic, isn't it ?

  Capt. Barney Miller : How so?

  Nells Finney : The way different professions use the same terminology ?

  Capt. Barney Miller : If you say so ?

  Nells Finney : I book people in my business , you book people in your business. It's very ironic

  Capt. Barney Miller : Of course, around here you don't need a reservation.

  [Miller directs Wojo] 

  Capt. Barney Miller : Book 'em.

• Det. Ron Harris : Barn... This is Charles Dundee

  Col. Charles Dundee : Colonel Dundee

  Capt. Barney Miller : Colonel, are you presently in the Army ?

  Col. Charles Dundee : Several. I take it, you are the Commanding Officer

  Capt. Barney Miller : I'm Captain Miller, yes.

  Det. Ron Harris : He's the main honcho over at Brookburn Enterprises.

  Col. Charles Dundee : I'm the President and Supervising Officer of Worldwide Operations.

  Det. Ron Harris : Got a room above a pizza joint over on 44th street

  Col. Charles Dundee : We like to keep a low profile

  Col. Charles Dundee : You also like to keep a couple of firearms.

  Col. Charles Dundee : I got a right to secure my place of business

• Capt. Barney Miller : Maybe it's... Maybe it's just that you can see worthwhile qualities, a vulnerability, even spirituality, that other people miss.