The New Batman Adventures (TV Series)
Mad Love (1999)
Mark Hamill: The Joker
Photos
Quotes
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[Joker bursts from the door, to see Batman hanging above a tank filled with piranas]
The Joker : HARLEY!
Harley Quinn : Hi, Puddin'! You're just in time to see the...
[Joker slaps Harley across the room, then turns to Batman]
The Joker : Excuse me just a minute.
Harley Quinn : But Puddin', I-I don't understand! Didn't you want to finally get rid of Batman?
The Joker : Only if *I* do it, idiot!
Harley Quinn : But it's still your plan, see?
[shows him his blueprints]
Harley Quinn : Everything just like you said, except I hung the guy upside down so he sees the little frowns as little smiles. Now it all works!
[Joker grabs the blueprints and tears them up]
The Joker : Except you had to *explain* it to me! If you have to explain a joke, THERE IS NO JOKE!
[He advances on Harley, growling. Nervously, she grabs hold of a swordfish]
Harley Quinn : Now calm down, Puddin'...
The Joker : You've forgotten what I told you a long time ago. One of the painful truths of comedy...
[grabs the swordfish out of her hands]
The Joker : YOU ALWAYS TAKE SHOTS FROM FOLKS WHO JUST DON'T GET THE JOKE!
[Joker whacks Harley with the swordfish, sending her crashing out the window and plunging down several stories to land in a pile of garbage, apparently dead]
The Joker : And don't call me Puddin'.
Harley Quinn : [Harley is alive among the rubbish, but bloodied, barely conscious and dejected] My fault... I didn't get the joke.
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Dr. Harleen Quinzel : [narrating] It soon became clear to me the Joker, so often described as a raving, homicidal madman... was actually a tortured soul crying out for love and acceptance. A lost, injured child trying to make the world laugh at his antics. And there, as always, was the self-righteous Batman. Determined to make life miserable for my angel. Yes, I admit it. As unprofessional as it sounds, I had fallen in love with my patient. Pretty crazy, huh?
The Joker : Not at all. As a dedicated career-oriented you woman, you felt the need to abstain from all amusement and fun. It's only natural you'd be attracted to a man who could make you laugh again.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel : I knew you'd understand.
The Joker : Anytime.
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The Joker : [examining his plans] Boring... lame... not funny... been done... too Riddler...
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Dr. Harleen Quinzel : [Holding a note] Care to tell me how this got in my office?
The Joker : I put it there.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel : I think the guards would be interested to know you've been out of your cell.
The Joker : If you really were going to tell, you already would have. You know, sweets, I like what I've heard about you, especially the name. Harley Quinzel. Rework it a bit, and you get Harley Quinn.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel : Like the clown character, Harlequin. I know. I've heard it before.
The Joker : It's a name that puts a smile on my face. It makes me feel there's someone here I can relate to. Someone who might like to hear my secrets.
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Dr. Harleen Quinzel : [narrating] It took me nearly three months to set up a session. I studied all his tricks and gimmicks, and felt I was ready for anything.
The Joker : You know... my father used to beat me up pretty badly.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel : [narrating] Anything except that.
The Joker : Every time I got out of line, BAM! Or sometimes I'd just be just sitting there, doing nothing. POW! Pops tended to favor the grape, you see.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel : Uh-huh.
The Joker : There was only one time I ever saw Dad really happy. He took me to the circus when I was seven. Oh, I still remember the clowns running around, dropping their pants.
[laughs]
The Joker : My old man laughed so hard, I thought he'd bust a gut! So the very next night, I ran up to meet him with his best Sunday pants around my ankles. "Hi, Dad! Look at me!"
[drops pants]
The Joker : ZOOP! I took a big pratfall, and tore the crotch clean out of his pants!
[Both start laughing hysterically]
The Joker : ...And then he broke my nose. But hey, that's the downside of comedy. You're always taking shots from folks who just don't get the joke. Like my dad... Or Batman.
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Harley Quinn : That's a real gasser, right Mr. J?
The Joker : [grabbing Harley by the hat] I make the punchlines here! Got it?
Harley Quinn : Yes sir.
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The Joker : Well, Batsy, it's been a hoot, as always. May the floss be with you!
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Harley Quinn : Why don't you just shoot him?
The Joker : Just shoot him? Know this, my sweet. The death of Batman must be nothing less than a masterpiece! The triumph of my sheer comic genius over his ridiculous mask and gadgets!
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The Joker : [to the tied-up Batman] I really have to apologize for the kid. No respect for tradition. Let's just pretend the whole thing never happened and do this some other time. 'Kay?
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The Joker : Batman was right. That setup today was corny! Old hat! It's time I capped off our feud with his ultimate humiliation... followed by his deliciously delirious death.
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The Joker : A bat in the hand is worth two in the belfry.
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Batman : Open it.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel : [opening her briefcase] Okay?
Batman : I want Gordon to see these. If what you say is true, the police'll...
The Joker : Traitor! No one turns stoolie on me and lives!
[diving on Harley to protect her, Batman throws a batarang; decapitating the Joker, it's revealed to be just a robot]
Dr. Harleen Quinzel : [injecting Batman with something] Sweet dreams, sucker.
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The Joker : Have a seat. I'll be right with you.
Commissioner James Gordon : I don't mind saying, I really hate these checkups. If it weren't part of the police physical, I wouldn't be here at all.
The Joker : Oh, come now, commissioner. What in this miserable world is more beautiful than a nice, big smile?
[he laughs maniacally]
Harley Quinn : [shooting a gun at Gordon, which ties ropes around him] Naughty, naughty. Jump around like that, and doctor won't give you a lollipop.
Commissioner James Gordon : You little...!
[she stuffs cotton into his mouth]
The Joker : Mm-hmm. My, my.
[tutting]
The Joker : This doesn't look good at all. I'm afraid...
[picking up a drill]
The Joker : ...everything will have to go!
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The Joker : Well, hold the phone. Here's one I forgot. The Death of a Hundred Smiles. I'll lure Batman to a secret lair, then BANG! Plop him into my specially-prepared piranha tank!
[cackling]
The Joker : The last thing he'll see are all those beautiful, hungry smiles as they rip him to...
[deflating]
The Joker : To... oh, wait, wait. Now I remember why I scrapped this plan. Piranhas can't smile. Even my own Joker toxin couldn't get a giggle out of them.
