The Benny Hill Show (TV Series)

The Crook Report (1989)

Benny Hill: Self - Host, Various

Photos 

Quotes 

• Self - Host : Oh Flo from Fulham went to see the padre and said, "a young man has just moved in next door to me./He kissed me and caressed me and now I feel that I should confess that I need him constantly."/Now the padre said, "Well if this need is honest and true, then it is a need that you should be enjoyin'."/She said "I don't mean to say I need him that way. What I mean is I kneed him in the groin."

• Self - Host : If you shake the ketchup bottle/none'll come out and then a lot'll.

• Self - Host : 20 year-old Peggy Sue/wed a bloke of 92./The old boy died of ecstasy, he did!/It took the undertaker seven days/to wipe the smile from off his face/ and another two to close the coffin lid.

• Miss Buttercup : They call me Miss Buttercup/dear little Buttercup/though I will never know why.

  Self - Host : I say, Mrs. Buttercup/lift your left buttock up./You're sitting on this pork pie.

• Self - Host : I saw her write a check for 50,000 quid and light her fag with it.

• Policeman : What seems to be the matter, oldtimer?

  Oldtimer : Everything! I tell you, six weeks ago, I married a 20-year-old beauty queen. Gorgeous. She worships me. She's loving, passionate, patient. We've got a Rolls Royce. We've got a swimming pool. We've got a sauna. We drink champagne for breakfast every day. We sleep together in beautiful silken sheets, a life most people only dream about.

  Policeman : What are you crying for then?

  Oldtimer : I've forgotten where I live!