- Daisy Moses: So I've decided to train one of you to carry on the traditions of the Hypocrite's oath.
- Jethro Bodine: Well don't keep lookin' at me Granny. I decided I don't wanna be a brain surgeon. I wanna be a soda jerk.
- Elly May Clampett: And I wanna be a vetinin, I mean a vetininin, take care of critters.
- Daisy Moses: The choice is your's to make.
- Elly May Clampett: Thank you, Granny.
- Jethro Bodine: Yeah, thanks Granny.
- Daisy Moses: And the choice is ta learn doctorin' er get took to the woodshed!
- Milburn Drysdale: Wait a minute, we still have a chance. She would never run out on a sick friend.
- Jane Hathaway: Chief, I could never deceive Granny with a fake illness.
- Milburn Drysdale: Who's talking about fake? I'm only asking you to take a mild poison or break a bone or something. Look, I could drop this on your foot.
- [Jane runs away]
- Milburn Drysdale: Isn't your company loyalty good for one little fracture?
- Dr. Roy Clyburn: Are you kidding? You want me to go up and ask Granny for advice on how to practice medicine? Even among witch doctors, she's a quack.
- Dr. Roy Clyburn: I came to see Granny.
- Jed Clampett: Oh, well I don't know, she ain't in one of her very best moods and at best, you two get along about as good as two dogs and only one bone.
- Jed Clampett: [to Dr. Clyburn] You better wait out here until I talk to her. Sometimes, Granny starts shootin' before she finds out what flag yer flyin'.
- Dr. Roy Clyburn: Haven't you heard of streptomycin? Aureomycin? Cortisone?
- Daisy Moses: Roy, you come to me for advice, and I'm givin' it to ya. Ferget them quack medicines. Stick with modern science. Yer stump waters, yer slippery elm ooze, tule root, and them wonder drugs, like sassafras and wahoo bark.
- Daisy Moses: I've cured Granny's Complaint!
- Jed Clampett: Granny, there ain't no cure for Granny's Complaint.
- Daisy Moses: There is now! It took care of all of my symptoms. I'm even seein' twice as good as I ever did before.
- Jed Clampett: Twice as far?
- Daisy Moses: Twice as many. There's two of everything!