- Daisy Moses: So you're the little hussy that would like to take over my kitchen and get rid of me.
- Maria: Yes.
- Daisy Moses: Brazen little package, ain't you?
- Maria: Yes.
- Daisy Moses: I'll bet that you got eyes for my rich son-in-law, Jed.
- Maria: Yes.
- Daisy Moses: You admit it?
- Maria: Yes.
- Jed Clampett: I'm way overdue for havin' a long talk with that boy.
- Elly May Clampett: Why you keep puttin' it off?
- Jed Clampett: I reckon it's cause the short ones are so distressin'.
- Jethro Bodine: Hi Elly, how do I look?
- [Jethro is wearing a gladiator outfit]
- Elly May Clampett: You look like a big dumb nut.
- Jed Clampett: I'm awful sorry, but I'm gonna have to let you go. Oh, I'll see to it you get a check for a month's salary.
- Maria: Celery, si. Celery, you like?
- Jed Clampett: Yes ma'am, but
- [Maria starts cutting celery]
- Jed Clampett: Miss Maria, ma'am, I'm just gonna have to come out and say this blunt. You're fired.
- Maria: Fire, si.
- [turns on the stove]
- Maria: I cook good celery.
- Jed Clampett: I'm afraid what we got here is a failure to communicate. I'll have my nephew talk to you. He claim to speak Italian.
- Maria: Arrivederci.
- Jed Clampett: No, Jethro.
- Elly May Clampett: How did you do, Pa?
- Jed Clampett: Outside a gettin' some celery to cookin', I done real poor.
- Milburn Drysdale: And while you're at the agency, fill out an application.
- Jane Hathaway: I'm fired?
- Milburn Drysdale: Certainly not. After the agency, you go to the Clampett's, straighten everything out, make everyone happy, and then you're fired.
- Elly May Clampett: I sure hope Maria gets to stay.
- Jed Clampett: On thing's certain. We can't let her go home to Venice. Not right now.
- Elly May Clampett: How come?
- Jed Clampett: Look at that.
- [shows Elly a postcard from Maria's family in Venice]
- Jed Clampett: They is havin' one of the worst floods I ever seen.
- Jethro Bodine: [Jethro is wearing an ancient Roman uniform] She'll really go for me in this. This is what the emperor hisself wears.
- Jane Hathaway: Caesar?
- Jethro Bodine: Not yet, but I figured to hold hands with her tonight.
- Jethro Bodine: [Mr. Drysdale comes out of his office] Hail, Mr. Drysdale.
- Jethro Bodine: Hail, Jethro. Hail? What's going on? What's this getup for?
- Jethro Bodine: It's so I can make a hit with that beautiful Italian cook.
- Jane Hathaway: She'll see him as the noblest Roman of them all.
- Milburn Drysdale: Caesar?
- Jane Hathaway: Not yet, but he plans to hold hands with her tonight.
- Milburn Drysdale: When will I learn to stay in my own office and keep the door closed?
- Jethro Bodine: Mr. Drysdale, I gotta go rescue my bride. As quick as Granny blasts Uncle Jed down outta the tree, she's goin' gunnin' for Maria.
- Jane Hathaway: Why?
- Jethro Bodine: Cause Maria done took over the kitchen. The whole house is in a uproar. If I don't get her out, there'll be rock salt bouncin' off every wall... Oh, wish me a happy weddin'.