Black Books (TV Series)
Elephants and Hens (2004)
Dylan Moran: Bernard Black
Photos
Quotes
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Manny : Well, instead of the? um? academic and the journalist's daughter? um? perhaps it could be about an elephant?
Bernard : An elephant?
Manny : That's right.
Bernard : I see. What's your other suggestion?
Manny : Well? um? instead of the Stalinist purges and the divorce and the investigation, um? it could be about losing a balloon.
Bernard : An elephant who loses his balloon?
Manny : That's it.
Bernard : But, but it would still be my story in essence?
Manny : Oh, yeah.
Bernard : My vision?
Manny : Completely.
Bernard : Yes, all right! Let's do that, then!
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[Manny reads "The Elephant and the Balloon", the children's book he and Bernard have spent all night writing]
Manny : There's the elephant. He's happy with his balloon. Oh no! It's gone! Where is it? It's not behind the rhino. Look in the alligator's mouth.
Manny , Bernard : It's not there either.
Manny : Ohhhh... the monkey's got it in the tree!
Manny , Bernard : He brings it back. They all drink lemonade. The end.
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Bernard : It couldn't be simpler. You've got the academic who survived the Stalinist purges and is now having flashbacks to that time. There's his daughter whose long bitter marriage is falling apart around her and the journalist who's investigating the academic because he suspects he was never in Russia at the time and then he falls obsessively in love with the daughter and sacrifices his career to become a lense grinder in Omsk.
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Bernard : Who is this mouse? What does it want? What are its hopes and dreams?
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Timmy : [Bernard is smoking and eating an ice cream] My father says smoking makes you dead. You go all black inside.
Timmy's Mother : Timmy? I'm sorry, is he annoying you?
Bernard : No, but I'm afraid we don't allow ice creams in the shop.
Timmy : I haven't got an ice cream.
Bernard : [Bernard has hidden his ice cream in Timmy's pocket] I think Timmy's telling a naughty fib.
Timmy's Mother : Outside now. I'm so sorry.
Bernard : Not at all.
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Mother : [deleted scene] Hello, do you have the latest in the Doom Castle series?
Bernard : The what?
Mother : You know, it's the books where there's a group of children and they worship a horned god.
Manny : Yes, it's right here. Anything that gets them reading, eh?
Bernard : 6.66
Mother : All her friends love it too, they come round and have their little ceremonies, don't you dear?
Girl : We observe the sacred rites. As all must.
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Manny : The modern child, what does he want to read?
Bernard : ...Who cares? We've got to write for ourselves as children. Back when innocence was legal. Back when you would go cycling for three hours just to tell a friend you saw a frog.
Manny : All I ever needed for entertainment was a Breezeblock and a bit of an old bone.
Bernard : I bet you conquered Worlds with that bit of old bone.
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Manny : Well, instead of the... um... academic and the journalist's daughter... um... perhaps it could be about an elephant?
Bernard : An elephant?
Manny : That's right.
Bernard : I see. What's your other suggestion?
Manny : Well... um... instead of the Stalinist purges and the divorce and the investigation, um... it could be about loosing a balloon.
Bernard : An elephant who looses his balloon?
Manny : That's it.
Bernard : But, but it would still be my story in essence?
Manny : Oh, yeah.
Bernard : My vision?
Manny : Completely.
Bernard : Yes, alright! Let's do that, then!
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Bernard : We're on the pig's back, charging through a velvet field.
