- Alan Matthews: [to Mr. Feeny] You are the worst babysitter that ever lived.
- George Feeny: And your children are the spawn of Satan.
- Eric Matthews: Why do you think Mom and Dad are letting me go get my driver's license with Jason and his brother instead of with them?
- Cory Matthews: Because they hope you'll get lost and never come back?
- Alan Matthews: [to Cory] How does a night of bonding with your dear old dad sound? Pretty good, huh?
- Cory Matthews: Great, yeah. It sounds great. So I'll meet you halfway. You go with Mom and I'll miss the heck out of you.
- Amy Matthews: [to Alan] Honey, I think you should stay calm.
- Alan Matthews: I am calm. Under the circumstances, I'm the Dalai stinking Lama.
- Cory Matthews: I'm Blowin' Up Your Head, Part 6: Stumpy's Revenge. I thought Stumpy died in "Part 5."
- Shawn Hunter: He did. That's why he wants revenge.
- Eric Matthews: [looking at the cover of the video] "Barney Does The ABC's." I don't wanna give the ending away, Cor, but... "Z."
- Jason Marsden: [to Eric] I am so proud to be the best friend of the first guy in history to fail his driver's test before it started!
- Eric Matthews: The D.M.V. guy waved me forward. I pulled up, like, two inches.
- Jason Marsden: That was not the D.M.V. guy. That was the father of the kid ahead of you.
- Eric Matthews: How am I supposed to know that? I'm at the D.M.V., I assume the guy waving me forward is the D.M.V. guy.
- Jason Marsden: Eric, D.M.V. guys are cops, ok? They don't usually wave you forward with a can of beer.
- Eric Matthews: [to Jason] Why are you sucking up to my mom?
- Jason Marsden: Hey, have you seen my mom?
- George Feeny: Hello, Eric.
- Eric Matthews: I was wondering if you could help me out with a problem I've got.
- George Feeny: Always happy to assist a former student.
- Eric Matthews: See, our babysitter canceled, so...
- George Feeny: Judy Horn?
- Eric Matthews: Yeah, some kind of a skin crisis.
- George Feeny: I don't even want to think about what a crisis for her would be. Her whole head would have to pop.
- George Feeny: [to Tony] Might I inquire why you won't release the car?
- Tony: It's like I told the kid: you ain't got a license, you ain't getting the car.
- George Feeny: Aren't.
- Tony: What?
- George Feeny: You aren't getting the car.
- Tony: Wrong, pal. I already got the car.
- George Feeny: No, no. You misunderstand me. I was simply correcting your grammar.
- Tony: I don't need talking lessons from a guy who's wearing an earring.
- George Feeny: [after ejecting the "Stumpy's Revenge" videotape, destroying it in the process] This is rated "R."
- Shawn Hunter: Yeah, "R" for wrecked!
- Cory Matthews: Shawn, you cannot leave me here with this tape.
- Shawn Hunter: Heh, see how little you know me?
- [leaves the house]
- Amy Matthews: [to Cory] You smuggled a violent "R"-rated movie into this house?
- Alan Matthews: Oh, no, no, honey. Calm down. This may look like a violent film, but at its heart, it's really a morality tale about an 11-year-old boy who's in terrible, terrible, terrible trouble.
- Cory Matthews: I never should've tried to scam them. Crime doesn't pay. Violence is bad. They're gonna kill me.
- Eric Matthews: Cor, just be happy it was a baby scam. Mine, on the other hand, was a mega scam, a hyper scam, the mother of all scams. I am truly a dead man. These could be our last few precious moments together. Is there anything you want to say to me?
- Cory Matthews: Yeah. Here's a lovely parting gift.
- [hits Eric with a pillow, causing him to fall down]
- Cory Matthews: [to Eric] Little league!
- Morgan Matthews: [to Eric] Frozen yogurt!
- Eric Matthews: I'll drive off a bridge, I swear I will.
- Alan Matthews: Take your mother's car.
- George Feeny: [to Eric] And as for you, young man, I want you to go to your room and wait till your parents return.
- Eric Matthews: Just because you were once my sixth grade teacher does not give you the right to tell me what to do.
- George Feeny: Go to your room!
- Eric Matthews: Apparently it does.
- [goes to his room]
- Jason Marsden: You know, someday, I hope I can be half the man you are.
- Alan Matthews: Well, right now, you are.
- Jason Marsden: Now, um, excuse me, mister sir, I still don't understand why you can't give us the car. I mean, we have the money.
- Tony: Oh, so I should just hand over a vehicle to any yutz who has forty bucks? You want the car, then I need to see the address on your driver's license matches the address on your vehicle registration. Then
- [smiles]
- Tony: I'm happy.
- [He leans down menacingly, inches from Jason's face]
- Tony: Make me happy.
- Eric Matthews: [Eric has failed his driver's test and the boys have dates for that evening] We cannot pick them up until I take the driving test again in two weeks.
- Jason Marsden: OK, that's just logic. That's getting in our way.