- Eric Matthews: I'm gonna kill you.
- Cory Matthews: I have you.
- Eric Matthews: I'm gonna kill you, I'm gonna bring you back to life, and I'm gonna kill you again.
- Cory Matthews: I have you.
- Eric Matthews: What? What do you have? You have what I have... nothing!
- Cory Matthews: You, my boy, were in Mom and Dad's bed. Oh, ho-ho-ho. What was that, the sound of power suddenly shifting?
- Eric Matthews: Nothing happened.
- Cory Matthews: Yeah, and it didn't happen in Mom and Dad's bed. I have you. I have you by your ovaries.
- Cory Matthews: Topanga! Topanga, my honey. May I call you honey?
- Topanga Lawrence: No.
- Cory Matthews: Topanga, my girl, my friend, my girly friend. Believe me, I don't want this any more than you do, but everybody around here is pairing off, and I think you and I should spare ourselves a lot of uncoolness and walk through life together.
- Topanga Lawrence: Cory, my dear little butthead... May I call you butthead?
- Cory Matthews: Sure.
- Topanga Lawrence: I can't walk through life with you.
- Cory Matthews: Is there someone else?
- Topanga Lawrence: There's everybody else.
- Amy Matthews: OK, Morgan, soccer practice. Remember what we learned last week?
- Morgan Matthews: Don't kick the coach.
- Cory: Tell me how you do it.
- Eric Matthews: What I was doing with Rebecca?
- Cory: No, no, what you were doing with Rebecca, I don't have the lung capacity for that.
- Cory Matthews: [Two students are making out in the hallway] Mr. Feeny, shouldn't you break them up or hose them down or something?
- George Feeny: Oh, I wouldn't interrupt their tryst, Mr. Matthews. They're both A-minus students and happily struck by Cupid.
- Cory Matthews: So, if they were C-minus students, you wouldn't let them kiss?
- George Feeny: School policy, don't you know.
- Cory Matthews: So I can't kiss?
- George Feeny: With your grades, Mr. Matthews, you can't even shake hands.
- Ms. Kelly: Can you tell us anything about ovulation or how pregnancy occurs?
- Cory Matthews: Well, the man's got the sperm, and the woman's got the egg. Now, once a month, an egg slides down the Philippine tube towards the uterus. The first sperm to reach the egg wins, it gets a medal, it's born, you name him Cory, you push him out the door, and nothing make sense for the rest of his life.
- Ms. Kelly: Congratulations. You seem to have a thorough understanding of the life cycle.
- Cory Matthews: Hey, I live it.
- Ms. Kelly: Do you have any questions?
- Cory Matthews: Yeah. How do you get a girl to say 'hi'?
- Ms. Kelly: Good afternoon, class. I'm Ms. Kelly, and I'll be filling in for Mr. Dubin for the next few days.
- Shawn Hunter: On behalf of the entire class, I'd like to say... stay as long as you like.
- Ms. Kelly: Now, right now, you seem to be covering...
- Shawn Hunter: CPR, and I'm today's dummy.
- Ms. Kelly: No, actually, we seem to be up to human reproduction, which I hope we can discuss in a mature fashion.
- [Some students in the class giggle]
- Shawn Hunter: Oh, stop being so young. You know, I'm not as young as they are. I've stayed back, like, 50 times.
- Ms. Kelly: Really? How old are you?
- Shawn Hunter: 24?
- Ms. Kelly: Really? What are you doing in a seventh-grade classroom?
- Shawn Hunter: I'm a cop.
- Ms. Kelly: Sit down.
- Ms. Kelly: All right, but I'm watching you.
- Shawn Hunter: Stop obsessing, man. You're gonna pop a lobe.
- Cory Matthews: You're right. I should relax, 'cause this coupling thing, it's just a phase. I mean, how long can it last... a few weeks?
- Jonathan Turner: [Enters walking with Ms. Kelly] The cafeteria's right this way. They know me there. I'll get us a good table.
- Ms. Kelly: You would do that for me?
- Jonathan Turner: Oh, yeah. I'm very tight with Bertha, the lunchroom lady. Yeah, I once rescued a dolphin from her hair net.
- Cory Matthews: OK, maybe it'll last a few years.
- George Feeny: [Enters walking with an older, female teacher] Yes, I'm acting principal now, and the pressures would be daunting for a man half my age. Fortunately I have a vitality that belies my years.
- Cory Matthews: I'm the only one who doesn't know how it's done.
- Eric Matthews: Hi, Mom. This is Rebecca. It's kind of a new relationship, so don't say anything too embarrassing, OK?
- Amy Matthews: Oh, hi, Rebecca. He wet his bed till he was 12. Oops.
- Jonathan Turner: So we find, in Fielding's novel, the character Tom Jones is absolutely irresistible to women. Isn't that right, Matthews?
- Cory Matthews: Uh, yeah, that's right.
- Jonathan Turner: What's right?
- Cory Matthews: What you just said.
- Jonathan Turner: What'd I just say?
- Cory Matthews: You weren't listening, either?
- Jonathan Turner: Matthews, keep your head facing this way. Shawn, tell your buddy what I was saying.
- Shawn Hunter: Uh, he was saying, "Matthews, you're not listening."
- Jonathan Turner: Thank you. Did either of you guys do the reading assignment?
- Cory Matthews: Some of it.
- Jonathan Turner: What did you read?
- Cory Matthews: I read the page you handed us with the reading assignment on it.
- [bell rings]
- Jonathan Turner: Yay! Yay!
- [Cory walks in Eric and Rebecca making out on Amy and Alan's bed]
- Eric Matthews: Cory, we're studying.
- Cory Matthews: So am I.
- Ms. Kelly: All right, the name of the place where the eggs are stored.
- Cory Matthews: What are the gonads?
- Ms. Kelly: No, sorry. I was looking for, what are the ovaries?
- Cory Matthews: Oh, the o... Yeah, I always mix those two up.
- Ms. Kelly: Try not to. Your future will be brighter.
- Eric Matthews: Hey Weasel, you wanna move your stuff off the table? We gotta cram for the math test tomorrow.
- Morgan Matthews: My name's not Weasel, it's Morgan.
- Eric Matthews: I thought you liked it when I called you Weasel.
- Morgan Matthews: I've never liked it. You like it so much, it's your name now... Weasel.
- Eric Matthews: Hello.
- Alan Matthews: You want to tell us anything?
- Eric Matthews: Uh... not yet.
- [Amy holds up the earring]
- Eric Matthews: Now I got something to tell you.
- Amy Matthews: We found this in our bed. What was it you wanted to tell us?
- Eric Matthews: I just wanted to say, "Happy Birthday, Mom." The other one's on layaway. Nothing happened between me and Rebecca, if that's what you're thinking.
- Amy Matthews: Why should we believe that nothing happened?
- Eric Matthews: Look at my face. Do I look happy?
- Alan Matthews: [looks at Eric closely] Nothing happened.
- Cory Matthews: But if I can't use Eric's method, then how do I get a girl to say hi?
- Alan Matthews: Cory...
- Cory Matthews: Yeah?
- Alan Matthews: What did you know about girls before your brother's excellent advice?
- Cory Matthews: I didn't know anything.
- Alan Matthews: Why don't you just go with that?
- Cory: So, uh, what do you want to talk about?
- Wendy Jansen: Well, um, do you know my name?
- Cory: Uh...
- Wendy Jansen: It's Wendy.
- Cory: Wendy. Wendy?
- Wendy Jansen: Yeah?
- Cory: Hi.
- Wendy Jansen: Hi.
- Cory: Fine. No girls for me. I'll just study and get good grades and get smart and become a famous scientist, and then I'll build a wife.
- Cory Matthews: Nobody told me about this girl thing, Shawn. I mean, no one warned me. I thought they were just there. I didn't know they were interactive.
- Alan Matthews: What's the matter?
- Amy Matthews: Nothing's the matter.
- Alan Matthews: Yeah, you got your, uh... floor-length flannel armor on there.
- Amy Matthews: This happens to be very comfortable.
- Alan Matthews: Mm-hmm. Well, you're looking positively Amish.
- Alan Matthews: Eric, Eric, you are in so deep.
- Eric Matthews: Dad, I'm sorry. I mean, I'm really, really s...
- Alan Matthews: [He covers Eric's mouth with his hand, shutting him up] You know, for thousands of years, fathers have said to their sons, "Don't rush into sex," and the sons have always said, "Yeah, sure. OK." I didn't understand my father till this very moment, and you won't understand me till you're a father, which won't be for a very long time!
- Cory Matthews: Dad?
- Alan Matthews: Learn her name!
- Cory Matthews: Yes, sir.
- Alan Matthews: As for you...
- Eric Matthews: Rebecca. Her name was Rebecca.
- Amy Matthews: Whose earring is this?
- Alan Matthews: Well, it's not yours?
- Amy Matthews: No.
- Alan Matthews: Well, I-I-I have no idea. Honestly, i don't know who-whose earring that is.
- Amy Matthews: Alan, sweetheart, i'm not accusing you.
- Alan Matthews: Why not?
- Amy Matthews: I know you're not having an affair.
- Alan Matthews: Oh, you think I'm safe? You think other women aren't attracted to me?
- Amy Matthews: I haven't said anything.
- Alan Matthews: And, boy, are you oh so wrong. Just today at the store, this slim little blonde with a low-cut dress, she came up to me and asked me if the bread was fresh.
- Amy Matthews: Alan, sweetheart, I know there are still many women that still are attracted to you.
- Alan Matthews: You don't sound very threatened.
- Amy Matthews: I'm threatened. I know I could lose you at any moment.
- [blows]
- Alan Matthews: Oh, stop that.
- Cory: All right, first you pick a girl, any girl.
- Amy Matthews: Just any-ol-body.
- Cory: Yeah. Then you pretend you're interested in her. Now you don't really have to be interested in her. I thought you did, but Eric said it wasn't necessary.
- Eric Matthews: Ring!
- Amy Matthews: That's what you told him?
- Eric Matthews: What? Does it matter what I told him? I'm dead.
- Amy Matthews: You had the big sex talk with him two years ago. What did you tell him?
- Alan Matthews: Not that! How can you think I'd tell him that?
- Amy Matthews: Alan, I'm not accusing you.
- Alan Matthews: Yes, you are. You're accusing me of this, and yet you refuse to accuse me of having an affair. That hurts.
- Amy Matthews: Cory, I know you look up to your brother, but I want you to go to your father for advice on this subject. Eric has some explaining to do about his own behavior with girls lately.
- Cory: I know.
- Amy Matthews: What do you know?
- Cory: Pretty much everything. I kind of walked in on them.
- Eric Matthews: [singing] Amazing grace...