- Eric Matthews: What's up with the weasel? She locked herself in the bathroom and she's in there singing, "On the first day of Christmas I murdered Santa Claus"
- Alan Matthews: What happened?
- Amy Matthews: Well, Morgan was waiting in line to sit on Santa's lap, and she was kind of nervous, and there was this elf who looked like a hitman, only meaner.
- Alan Matthews: What? Did Santa scare her?
- Amy Matthews: No, no. He was just this nice old man with a jolly red face. You know, looking back, his face really was too red. I mean I just thought he was just overheated. Velvet is a fabric that doesn't breathe.
- Alan Matthews: Amy, what happened?
- Amy Matthews: Well, OK, so Morgan climbs up on Santa's lap and he asks her what she wants and she says a Suzie Homemaker oven and then he grabbed his chest, yelled "Rudolph," and fell over.
- Alan Matthews: [chuckling] Are we talking eight reindeer pulling a pine box?
- Amy Matthews: No, no. I think he's all right. I mean, the hitman elf gave him CPR while Mrs. Claus called the paramedics.
- [Alan begins laughing uncontrollably]
- Amy Matthews: Alan, it isn't funny! Morgan thinks she killed Santa Claus!
- [She starts laughing too]
- George Feeny: You know what I like most about Christmas?
- Cory Matthews: I go away for a week?
- George Feeny: Yeah, that's pretty special. But it's the time of year that you can think back and appreciate the real gifts you received.
- Cory Matthews: I don't get it.
- George Feeny: Friendship, for example, is a real gift. And it's given with no expectation and no gratitude is necessary. Not between real friends. You think about that.
- Cory Matthews: Fish and sticks. Two things nature wouldn't have put together. What'd you get?
- Shawn Hunter: Peanut butter and jelly. Two things nature couldn't keep apart.
- Cory Matthews: Since when does your mom pack you lunch? I thought you liked fish sticks.
- Shawn Hunter: I do, but I think it's cruel how the little fish scream when they rip their sticks off.
- Stuart Minkus: May I sit down?
- Cory Matthews, Shawn Hunter: No.
- Stuart Minkus: Well, since you're ambivalent.
- [He sits]
- Stuart Minkus: Ah, Christmas. Season of togetherness. Season of brotherhood.
- Cory Matthews: Season of wool. Nine out ten Christmas gifts? Wool. It doesn't matter if it's shaped like socks or a sweater, it's wool and it's itchy.
- Stuart Minkus: The gift isn't as important as the thought behind it.
- Cory Matthews: What's the thought behind wool? This kid doesn't scratch enough?
- Cory Matthews: Boy, where's his Christmas spirit? Where's his gratitude? I can name one sixth grader who wasn't paying attention to "A Christmas Carol."
- George Feeny: I can name one, too, Mr. Matthews.
- Cory Matthews: Yeah, Shawn!
- George Feeny: Cory.
- Cory Matthews: Ha ha! No, I'm Cory. You've been calling me Mr. Matthews for so long you must have forgot.
- George Feeny: Believe me, I know who you are. I also know that a true gift is given with no expectation.
- Cory Matthews: What's that mean?
- George Feeny: It means you gave the gift to get the thanks.