Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV Series)

Ted (1997)

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Buffy Summers

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Buffy is replacing the bandage on Angel's hand] 

  Buffy Summers : So Mom's like, "Do you think Ted will like this?" and "This is Ted's favorite show," and "Ted's teaching me computers," and "Ted said the funniest thing," and I'm like, "That's really great, Mom," and then she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I'm sorry if I don't wanna talk about Ted all the time.

  Angel : So, you gonna talk about something else at some point?

  Buffy Summers : I'm sorry. I just have so much to deal with. I don't need some new guy in my life.

  Angel : No, but maybe your mom does.

  Buffy Summers : Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom.

  Angel : [chuckles]  Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is.

  Buffy Summers : Okay, so my Mom needs a guy in her life. Does it have to be Ted?

  Angel : Do you have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there that would satisfy you?

  Buffy Summers : My Dad.

  [Angel looks at her sharply] 

  Buffy Summers : Yeah, okay, that's not gonna happen. Fine, fine. I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf and I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like him?

  Angel : Kiss me.

  Buffy Summers : Finally something I wanna do.

• Buffy Summers : Vampires are creeps.

  Rupert Giles : Yes, that's why one slays them.

  Buffy Summers : I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along and then vampires come and they run around and they kill people and they take over your whole house. They start making these stupid little mini-pizzas and everyone's like, "Oh, look! A mini-pizza!" but I'm telling you, I...

  Rupert Giles : [interrupting]  Uh, Buffy, I-I-I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming a... a text.

• Willow Rosenberg : So, we're pretty sure there are no more Tarakan assassins coming our way?

  Buffy Summers : Angel's sources say the contract's off.

  Xander Harris : How is Angel?

  [Buffy and Willow look at him] 

  Xander Harris : Pretend I care.

• Ted Buchanan : So, Buffy, I bet the boys are lined up around the block tryin' to get a date with you.

  Buffy Summers : Not really.

  Willow Rosenberg : Oh, they are, but she's only interested in...

  [Buffy elbows her] 

  Willow Rosenberg : Uh, her studies! Book-cracker Buffy. It's kind of her nickname.

• [sitting and feeling alone in the playground] 

  Buffy Summers : Vampires... Here, vampires.

• Buffy Summers : You died.

  Ted Buchanan : That's right, little lady. You killed me. Do we have something to say about that? Are we sorry?

  Buffy Summers : What are you?

  Ted Buchanan : I'm a salesman. That's what you should have remembered. No matter how you put him down...

  [throws Buffy across the room] 

  Ted Buchanan : ... A good salesman always bounces back.

• Buffy Summers : That's mine, and you are *not* leaving this room with it.

  Ted Buchanan : Take your hand off me.

  Buffy Summers : No.

  [Ted hits Buffy] 

  Buffy Summers : I was so hoping you'd do that.

  [Buffy hits Ted back] 

• Buffy Summers : I mean, so far, all I see is someone who *apparently* has a good job, seems nice and polite and my mother really likes him.

  Xander Harris : What kind of a monster is he?

  Buffy Summers : I'm just saying there's something a little too clean about this clown.

  Willow Rosenberg : [laughs]  He's a clean clown!

  [Buffy and Xander stare at her] 

  Willow Rosenberg : I have my own fun.

• Willow Rosenberg : What do you mean, check him out?

  Buffy Summers : I mean investigate him. Find out his secrets. Hack into his life.

  Xander Harris : Can you say "overreaction"?

  Buffy Summers : Can you say "sucking chest wound"?

• Buffy Summers : Will, I'm not wrong here. Ted has a problem with me. He acts like I'm in the way or something. And Mom's been totally different since he's around.

  Willow Rosenberg : Different like happy?

  Buffy Summers : Like Stepford.

• Willow Rosenberg : But I'm sure it wasn't your fault. He started it.

  Buffy Summers : Yeah... That defense only works in six-year-old court, Will.

• [last lines] 

  Buffy Summers : Absolutely. I plan to forget the whole thing and pick up right where we left off.

  [starts to enter the library then stop and backs out] 

  Buffy Summers : Okay, that's it. I give up. Do I have to sound an air horn every time I walk into a room? What is it with grownups these days?

  [pan to show Giles and Jenny kissing in the library] 

• [first lines] 

  Xander Harris : You don't what you're talking about.

  Willow Rosenberg : Xander, he was, obviously, in charge.

  Xander Harris : He was a puppet. She was using him.

  Willow Rosenberg : He didn't seem like the type of guy who would let himself be used.

  Xander Harris : Well, that was her genius! He didn't even know he was playing second fiddle. Buffy...

  Buffy Summers : Huh?

  Xander Harris : Who was the real power, the Captain or Tennille?

  Buffy Summers : Um... Who are these people?

• Buffy Summers : [after it's all over]  I wouldn't worry. He's not coming back.

  Joyce Summers : I wish I could be so sure.

  Buffy Summers : Trust me. He's on the scrapheap.