Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV Series)

Ted (1997)

Alyson Hannigan: Willow Rosenberg

Photos 

Quotes 

• Willow Rosenberg : So, we're pretty sure there are no more Tarakan assassins coming our way?

  Buffy Summers : Angel's sources say the contract's off.

  Xander Harris : How is Angel?

  [Buffy and Willow look at him] 

  Xander Harris : Pretend I care.

• Willow : [finishing analysis]  Okay...

  Xander Harris : What do we know?

  Willow : Well, apparently the secret ingredient is not love.

  Xander Harris : What is it?

  Willow : I'm not positive, but I think it's dematorin. It's like a tranquilizer. Keeps you all mellow and compliant. It also shares a few components with ecstasy.

  Xander Harris : This is evidence. This is real evidence that Ted was some kind of a crook! Buffy's cleared. Willow, you are the best human ever! I adore you.

  [Willow smiles proudly] 

  Xander Harris : Will, that's the cookies talkin', but you *rock*!

• Ted Buchanan : So, Buffy, I bet the boys are lined up around the block tryin' to get a date with you.

  Buffy Summers : Not really.

  Willow Rosenberg : Oh, they are, but she's only interested in...

  [Buffy elbows her] 

  Willow Rosenberg : Uh, her studies! Book-cracker Buffy. It's kind of her nickname.

• Willow Rosenberg : Buffy's not going to jail. It's not fair.

  Rupert Giles : Whatever the authorities have planned for her, it can't be much worse than what she's doing to herself. She's taken a human life. The guilt it-it's... it's pretty hard to bear. It won't go away soon.

  Cordelia Chase : I guess you should know, since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time.

  Rupert Giles : Yes. Do let's bring that up as often as possible.

• Xander Harris : an, this is killing me! That bastard was up to something, I know it. If I could just get my hands on him... earlier this week.

  Cordelia Chase : I thought you liked him.

  Xander Harris : I sometimes like things that are not good for me. Besides, no way, no how does Buffy put the big hurt on an innocent man. Nice Uncle Ted was dirty.

  Willow Rosenberg : We've gotta prove that somehow... Xander, do you have a pen?

  Xander Harris : If Buffy has to go to jail because of that creep, *I'm* gonna lose it. He's gotta be in there, Will. A history of domestic violence, a criminal record...

  [looking in bag] 

  Xander Harris : Ooh! Cookies!

• Xander Harris : Whatcha got in the closet, Ted?

  [he opens the door and looks inside with his flashlight and can't believe his eyes. He quickly slams the door shut] 

  Xander Harris : Let's go.

  Cordelia Chase : But we need evidence

  Xander Harris : We got it.

  Willow Rosenberg : What's in there?

  Xander Harris : His first four wives.

• Buffy Summers : I mean, so far, all I see is someone who *apparently* has a good job, seems nice and polite and my mother really likes him.

  Xander Harris : What kind of a monster is he?

  Buffy Summers : I'm just saying there's something a little too clean about this clown.

  Willow Rosenberg : [laughs]  He's a clean clown!

  [Buffy and Xander stare at her] 

  Willow Rosenberg : I have my own fun.

• Willow Rosenberg : What do you mean, check him out?

  Buffy Summers : I mean investigate him. Find out his secrets. Hack into his life.

  Xander Harris : Can you say "overreaction"?

  Buffy Summers : Can you say "sucking chest wound"?

• Buffy Summers : Will, I'm not wrong here. Ted has a problem with me. He acts like I'm in the way or something. And Mom's been totally different since he's around.

  Willow Rosenberg : Different like happy?

  Buffy Summers : Like Stepford.

• Willow Rosenberg : But I'm sure it wasn't your fault. He started it.

  Buffy Summers : Yeah... That defense only works in six-year-old court, Will.

• [first lines] 

  Xander Harris : You don't what you're talking about.

  Willow Rosenberg : Xander, he was, obviously, in charge.

  Xander Harris : He was a puppet. She was using him.

  Willow Rosenberg : He didn't seem like the type of guy who would let himself be used.

  Xander Harris : Well, that was her genius! He didn't even know he was playing second fiddle. Buffy...

  Buffy Summers : Huh?

  Xander Harris : Who was the real power, the Captain or Tennille?

  Buffy Summers : Um... Who are these people?