- Eddie Mullen: Of all the books... in all the libraries... in all of the world... you gotta get sucked into this one.
- Phoebe Halliwell: [Reading "Crossed Double-Crossed"] Listen. "Riding in Eddie's car, Lana and the Fed...
- Piper Halliwell: Lana and the Fed?
- Phoebe Halliwell: Hey, at least he's not calling him Kyle,
- [Miss Donovan is crying about the gnome murder]
- Phoebe Halliwell: Aw, Miss Donovan, ahy are you crying?
- Paige Matthews: One of our teachers. He...
- Phoebe Halliwell: Oh. Did he break your heart? Well you call the right person. I can handle this.
- Paige Matthews: No...
- Phoebe Halliwell: Shhh. Cupid works alone.
- [to Miss Donovan]
- Phoebe Halliwell: Now did he hurt you? I know, I know, it hurts. But you can't give up on love. It could be the biggest mistake you ever make. Now I could fix you up with one of my readers because I'm doing this series in my paper where I play Matchmaker. I actually have one in mind for you.
- Paige Matthews: Wait. He didn't break her heart. He was murdered.
- Phoebe Halliwell: Oh. Why didn't you tell me that?
- Paige Matthews: I tried to but Cupid shushed me.
- Inspector Davis: You're a little heartbreaker, aren't you? A regular femme fatale.
- Paige Matthews: Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm just crazy, crazy for cops, tough cops. The kinda cops that'll arrest your heart, make you long for a life sentence with 'em. You know any cops like that?
- Phoebe Halliwell: [about Leo] He's just trying to reconnect with you, you know that, right?
- Piper Halliwell: No, I know, I do, and I would like to do that as well, just, I don't know, I can't help but think-...
- Phoebe Halliwell: Your guard's up.
- Piper Halliwell: Yeah, and-...
- Phoebe Halliwell: You wanna lower it, you just can't.
- Piper Halliwell: But still, I-...
- Phoebe Halliwell: Feel vulnerable and don't want to get hurt again.
- Piper Halliwell: Uh, could I possibly have a chance to express my feelings?
- Kyle Brody: Oh. What is he?
- Paige Matthews: He is a gnome. And one of my teachers.
- Kyle Brody: Gnome. Great. Now I suppose you're gonna tell me leprechauns and fairies exist now too?
- Paige Matthews: Well, actually, yeah-...
- Kyle Brody: Never mind. I can only take so much at a time.
- Eddie Mullen: It's a flat tire but I don't understand, that's impossible.
- Paige Matthews: What, you can't get a flat tire in your book?
- Eddie Mullen: No. It's too cliché.
- Leo Wyatt: The pens are fine. The book's just not letting you write them out.
- Phoebe Halliwell: Yeah, but why not?
- Piper Halliwell: Well, maybe it's against the rules. I don't know, the book is writing itself, maybe they have to save themselves.
- Phoebe Halliwell: Then why was I able to write in the flat tire?
- Piper Halliwell: It's just another plot twist which we could add but we can't bail them out. Heroes have to be heroes.
- [pause]
- Piper Halliwell: I read a lot.
- Phoebe Halliwell: Yeah, I know you do. Maybe you should get out a little more.
- Piper Halliwell: Easy, cupid.
- Paige Matthews: Don't worry. Magical things happen to us all the time, but this is the first time in black and white.
- Kyle Brody: You turned me into a felon, you know that, right? Breaking and entering, vandalism, theft.
- Paige Matthews: It's a fiction story in a fiction world. I highly doubt we're breaking any laws.
- Kyle Brody: It may be a fictional world, but those bullets seemed pretty damn real to me.
- Phoebe Halliwell: I am trying my hand at being a novelist. See if I can write in a little twist to help Paige out. Then suddenly... they got a flat tire.
- Johnny the Gent: Everyone's on edge on account of the falcon.
- Paige Matthews: The falcon, as in the Maltese falcon?
- Eddie Mullen: Nah, everyone knows the Maltese was a fake. This one's the real deal. The Burmese falcon.
- Kyle Brody: Burmese, you can't be serious. It's a total rip off.
- Miss Donovan: Lord of the Rings?
- Gnome Professor: Historically inaccurate.
- Miss Donovan: Harry Potter?
- Gnome Professor: Filled with juvenile delinquents.
- Miss Donovan: Even the Wizard of Oz?
- Gnome Professor: Disparaging to little people. Munchkins being persecuted. Filth!
- Kyle Brody: Why haven't you left yet?
- Eddie Mullen: I can't. The only way out is to end the story. Can't do that until the falcon's found.
- Paige Matthews: You don't know where it is?
- Eddie Mullen: No. Dan and I laid down the fundamentals at the beginning. The story's got a life of its own now.
- Paige Matthews: Eddie, what's going on?
- Eddie Mullen: I'm sorry to do this to you. Really, I am. But, see, this story can never end.
- Paige Matthews: They're dicks.
- Kyle Brody: [chuckles] Dicks.
- Paige Matthews: No, like private eyes. Detectives. Don't you see? They wrote themselves in as the heroes of their own books. Like Sam Spade or Philip Marlowe.