- Carla Tortelli: [about her brutally honest personal ad] Oh sure, I could tell 'em I got no kids, right? I could tell them that I'm twenty-one, five-nine, gorgeous green eyes, flaming red hair, and ta-ta's till Tuesday. How am I going to explain to him how I really look when he sees me?
- Sam Malone: Stress?
- Carla Tortelli: Hey! All right! Next time I spill my guts, remind me to do it in front of friends.
- Sam Malone: I'm just trying to cheer you up.
- Carla Tortelli: I am in no mood to be cheered up. Next guy tries to cheer me up is going to get open face surgery.
- [Carla storms out of the room]
- Norm Peterson: I don't get it. She's got ta-ta's till Monday afternoon at least.
- Sam Malone: Guys, how come we didn't see this one coming?
- Diane Chambers: Oh, this from a group who every year fails to see winter coming.
- Norm Peterson: Thanks for reminding me, Diane, I've got to take those screens down.
- [Carla has just found out that Mitch the airline pilot does not exist, and she is ready to head off on a date with Vinnie]
- Carla Tortelli: Hey Vinnie, could you do me a favor?
- [Vinnie nods positively]
- Carla Tortelli: Just for tonight, could you pretend that your name is Mitch, and that you're an airline pilot?
- Vinnie Claussen: Well, I guess, if you'll call yourself Raven and pretend you're a Vegas showgirl.
- Carla Tortelli: You're weird. I like that.
- Woody Boyd: "Who Put the Bop"?
- Sam Malone: Yeah, remember that, great old song, right up there with "Yakkety Yak".
- Woody Boyd: "Yakkety Yak"?
- Woody Boyd: Oh come on, you remember The Coasters, don't you?
- Woody Boyd: No.
- Sam Malone: You're kidding - how about The Shirelles, or the Platters, or Dixie Cups?
- Woody Boyd: Sorry.
- Sam Malone: You don't remember any of those old groups?
- Woody Boyd: Oh, old groups, you mean like Devo?
- Sam Malone: Before I start, do me a favor, would you? Stick your hands in your pockets and keep 'em there until I finish.
- Carla Tortelli: What's going on?
- Sam Malone: Just humor me, will you?
- Carla Tortelli: [putting her hands in her pockets] Okay, but don't start in on me about going out with this Claussen guy. He's all right, but he's no Mitch.
- Sam Malone: Listen to me. Mitch doesn't exist. The guys and I made him up.
- Carla Tortelli: You what?
- Sam Malone: Well, you were so depressed, we figured we had to do something, so we made the guy up, wrote the letters, and rented a post office box for you to write to him.
- [Carla kicks him in the shin]
- Sam Malone: [stumbling into the men's room and back out] Ow! Damn. Ow. Damn, I forgot about the feet.
- Diane Chambers: Sam, I don't know if you'd be interested, but I have tickets for "Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris" for tonight.
- Sam Malone: He's not doing that underwater stuff anymore?
- Sam Malone: Well, look here - a letter for Carla Tortelli.
- Carla Tortelli: Let me see, let me see!
- [Snatches at the letter]
- Sam Malone: [Holds it away from her] What's the magic word?
- Carla Tortelli: Gelding!
- Sam Malone: [Hands her the letter] That's the one.