Cheers (TV Series)

For Real Men Only (1989)

Ted Danson: Sam Malone

Quotes 

• Cliff Clavin : [in comparison to a Jewish bris]  The original rites of passage started with the jungle tribes down there in Borneo.

  Norm Peterson : Yeah?

  Cliff Clavin : When the young jungle tribal lad was on the brink of puberty, they'd bring him forward and take out this large sharpened clam shell...

  Sam Malone : Oh, no, no, no don't tell me...

  Cliff Clavin : ...they would fill it with dip, pass it around with the hors d'oeuvres...

  Sam Malone : Oh.

  Cliff Clavin : ...then they'd take these two big jagged rocks in there...

  Norm Peterson : Cliffy, Cliff, Cliff...

  Cliff Clavin : ...and bang them together to call in the tribes out of the hills, you know. Then the witch doctor stepped up with this long sharpened bamboo staff...

  Sam Malone : Oh, here it comes.

  Cliff Clavin : ...and shoved it into the ground, hung a flag on it and they danced around it, pretty much, until they dropped, really.

  Sam Malone : Oh, wait... When do they circumcize the kid?

  Cliff Clavin : What do you mean circumsize? There are no Jews in Borneo, you moolyak.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : God, aren't I a pompous ass.

  Sam Malone : No, you're not pompous.

• Sam Malone : [after the bris, walking out of the pool room with a crying Frederick in his arms]  It's okay, baby. Everything is going to be fine.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [following Sam, with a crying Lilith in his arms]  It's okay, baby. Everything is going to be fine. Say, you know, what do you say next time, we have a girl?

  Dr. Lilith Sternin : [whimpering]  Mm-hm.

• Rebecca Howe : Corporate wants me to throw some idiotic stupid retirement party for some insignificant middle management nobody.

  Sam Malone : You're retiring? Congratulations!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [Walking into Cheers with Frederick when he is supposed to be having his bris]  The bris is off, I've kidnapped my son.

  Sam Malone : You kidnapped him? What about the bris?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Sam, I just couldn't go through with it. I mean, I tried to, for tradition and Lilith and all that. But, my God, I'm the boy's father. And that guy was about to give my son one hell of a boo-boo!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [Talking about Frederick's impending bris, to which everyone has been invited]  You know, the ceremony promises to be quite enlightening, too. After all, it's not every day you're ritually circumcised.

  Sam Malone : [Alarmed]  What?

  Dr. Lilith Sternin : Well, that's what a bris is.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes. It's the religious ceremony where the baby is circumcised.

  Sam Malone : [Much relieved]  Oh, the baby!

• Sam Malone : You got a name for him yet?

  Dr. Lilith Sternin : Frederick.

  Sam Malone : Hey, all right! Fred, Freddie, the Frederman!

  Dr. Lilith Sternin : Frederick.

• [Lilith arrives at the bar with the whole bris party in tow] 

  Dr. Lilith Sternin : Frasier? Frasier?

  Sam Malone : Where is he?

  Dr. Lilith Sternin : Where's my husband? Where's my baby?

  Norm Peterson : Where's my beer?

  Rebecca Howe : They're in the office.

  Dr. Lilith Sternin : [Heads toward the office]  Dr. Levinson, friends, please just have a seat. I'll just be a minute while I reason with him. Wife to husband. Scientist to scientist.

  Dr. Lilith Sternin : [Flings open the office door]  Frasier, have you gone completely meshuggenah?

• [the bris is over] 

  Sam Malone : [Walks out of the pool room cradling a whimpering baby Frederick]  It's OK, baby. Everything will be fine.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [Walks out of the pool room carrying a whimpering Lilith]  It's Ok, baby. Everything will be fine. Say, you know, what do you say next time we have a girl?

  Dr. Lilith Sternin : [Whimpers; nods her assent]