- Cliff Clavin: [in comparison to a Jewish bris] The original rites of passage started with the jungle tribes down there in Borneo.
- Norm Peterson: Yeah?
- Cliff Clavin: When the young jungle tribal lad was on the brink of puberty, they'd bring him forward and take out this large sharpened clam shell...
- Sam Malone: Oh, no, no, no don't tell me...
- Cliff Clavin: ...they would fill it with dip, pass it around with the hors d'oeuvres...
- Sam Malone: Oh.
- Cliff Clavin: ...then they'd take these two big jagged rocks in there...
- Norm Peterson: Cliffy, Cliff, Cliff...
- Cliff Clavin: ...and bang them together to call in the tribes out of the hills, you know. Then the witch doctor stepped up with this long sharpened bamboo staff...
- Sam Malone: Oh, here it comes.
- Cliff Clavin: ...and shoved it into the ground, hung a flag on it and they danced around it, pretty much, until they dropped, really.
- Sam Malone: Oh, wait... When do they circumcize the kid?
- Cliff Clavin: What do you mean circumsize? There are no Jews in Borneo, you moolyak.
- Woody Boyd: It's a memory quilt that all the women in my family made for me when I graduated from high school.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, I've heard of these things. A bunch of women get together and embroider patches that string together the happy memories of a young man's life.
- Cliff Clavin: So these women were authentic folk artists then, huh?
- Woody Boyd: No, just bored housewives.
- Woody Boyd: Hey, check this out. See this soft blue square here? This is a piece of my very first baby blanket.
- Norm Peterson: Now, what do those little dots signify?
- Woody Boyd: Oh, that represents my very first childhood disease: smallpox. I almost died.
- Cliff Clavin: Uh, what's that long green thing there?
- Woody Boyd: Oh, this is the bean stalk from my very first high school play. I fell off it during the first act, cracked two ribs and punctured a lung. I almost died.
- Woody Boyd: Oh, this red patch here represents the big fire that burned down my house when I was six.
- Norm Peterson: And what, you almost died?
- Woody Boyd: No, I got out. And while I was running away, I fell in this well right here, and I almost...
- [pauses]
- Woody Boyd: Well, you know.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [about himself] I mean, how can you go back to a room where people think you're a total idiot. I mean, how do you do it, Cliff?
- Cliff Clavin: Well, I don't really like to divulge... hey!
- Larry: Maybe I oughta just, just moon them all and be done with it. Naw, I better not. Twenty-five years of sitting behind a desk for that company, I, I have a pretty sorry excuse for a butt.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: OK, people! Let's get this bris show on the road! Chop chop! Ooh, sorry... poor choice of words.
- Sam Malone: [after the bris, walking out of the pool room with a crying Frederick in his arms] It's okay, baby. Everything is going to be fine.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [following Sam, with a crying Lilith in his arms] It's okay, baby. Everything is going to be fine. Say, you know, what do you say next time, we have a girl?
- Dr. Lilith Sternin: [whimpering] Mm-hm.
- Rebecca Howe: Corporate wants me to throw some idiotic stupid retirement party for some insignificant middle management nobody.
- Sam Malone: You're retiring? Congratulations!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Walking into Cheers with Frederick when he is supposed to be having his bris] The bris is off, I've kidnapped my son.
- Sam Malone: You kidnapped him? What about the bris?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Sam, I just couldn't go through with it. I mean, I tried to, for tradition and Lilith and all that. But, my God, I'm the boy's father. And that guy was about to give my son one hell of a boo-boo!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Talking about Frederick's impending bris, to which everyone has been invited] You know, the ceremony promises to be quite enlightening, too. After all, it's not every day you're ritually circumcised.
- Sam Malone: [Alarmed] What?
- Dr. Lilith Sternin: Well, that's what a bris is.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes. It's the religious ceremony where the baby is circumcised.
- Sam Malone: [Much relieved] Oh, the baby!
- Sam Malone: You got a name for him yet?
- Dr. Lilith Sternin: Frederick.
- Sam Malone: Hey, all right! Fred, Freddie, the Frederman!
- Dr. Lilith Sternin: Frederick.
- [Frasier walks into the bar wearing an overcoat that's obviously concealing something underneath]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello, everyone!
- Rebecca Howe: Hi, Frasier! Are you through with the bris?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes! Yes! Yes! My son is happy, healthy, and nowhere in the vicinity of this bar. OUCH! Say, just out of curiosity, now, does anyone in the bar happen to be lactating, and in need of some quick cash?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Heading toward Sam's office] Well, if so, just meet me in the office. Ouch!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Talking to the coat] Damn it, Frederick! Give it up! It's just not going to happen!
- Woody Boyd: [to Rebecca] You know what? I think he's got the baby under that coat.
- [Lilith arrives at the bar with the whole bris party in tow]
- Dr. Lilith Sternin: Frasier? Frasier?
- Sam Malone: Where is he?
- Dr. Lilith Sternin: Where's my husband? Where's my baby?
- Norm Peterson: Where's my beer?
- Rebecca Howe: They're in the office.
- Dr. Lilith Sternin: [Heads toward the office] Dr. Levinson, friends, please just have a seat. I'll just be a minute while I reason with him. Wife to husband. Scientist to scientist.
- Dr. Lilith Sternin: [Flings open the office door] Frasier, have you gone completely meshuggenah?
- [the bris is over]
- Sam Malone: [Walks out of the pool room cradling a whimpering baby Frederick] It's OK, baby. Everything will be fine.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Walks out of the pool room carrying a whimpering Lilith] It's Ok, baby. Everything will be fine. Say, you know, what do you say next time we have a girl?
- Dr. Lilith Sternin: [Whimpers; nods her assent]
- [the bris is over; Cliff and Norm walk out of the pool room]
- Cliff Clavin: You know, Norm? I'm glad we went to the ceremony.
- Norm Peterson: [Munching on an hors d'oeuvre] Me too, Cliffy. I'm kind of proud of myself, you know? I figure if I could eat through that, I could eat through anything.