- [Sam and Diane are about to have their first kiss]
- Sam: You are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met!
- Diane: And you, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered...
- Sam: SHUT UP! Shut your fat mouth!
- Diane: Make me!
- Sam: Make you? Why, I'm... I'm gonna... I'm gonna bounce you off every wall in this office!
- Diane: Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow. Or should I say funnier.
- Sam: You know, I always wanted to pop you one. Maybe this is my lucky day.
- Diane: You disgust me. I hate you.
- Sam: Are you as turned on as I am?
- Diane: More.
- Sam: Bet me.
- [They kiss]
- Diane Chambers: Coach, do you think I'm a smart person?
- Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You're the smartest person I ever met.
- Diane Chambers: Well I, Diane Chambers, bred and educated to walk with kings, once offered a full scholarship at the Sorbonne, have allowed myself to become attracted to a six foot three inch bubble gum card.
- Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Well gee, I think I can help you with the sore buns, Diane, but the rest of what you say is all over my head.
- Sam Malone: [to Diane] How do you think it feels to be attracted to someone who makes you sick?
- Diane Chambers: I could write a book on the subject.
- [Two proper looking middle-aged women are in the bar. Carla is about to take their order]
- Carla Tortelli: So, what'll you have?
- Lady #1: I'll have a cup of tea.
- Lady #2: And I'll have a small sherry.
- Carla Tortelli: OK.
- Lady #1: Well, that sounds nice. Sherry sounds very nice. And it is late afternoon. And I think I'll have a glass of sherry too please.
- Carla Tortelli: Two sherries.
- Lady #1: Ah, make that a glass of wine. White wine.
- Lady #2: Wine! I haven't had a glass of wine in ages. Is your wine dry?
- Carla Tortelli: Yeah, it's OK.
- Lady #2: Then give me some wine too.
- Carla Tortelli: Two wines.
- Lady #1: You know what sounds like fun to me all of a sudden?
- Lady #2: What?
- Lady #1: A beer. I haven't had a beer since I don't know when.
- Lady #2: I used to have half a beer on a hot day.
- Lady #1: Well, it's quite cold out today.
- Lady #2: Then put a shot of whiskey with it and it's perfect.
- Lady #1: Two boilermakers, Wild Turkey and Bud.
- Carla Tortelli: I'll run a tab.
- Lady #1: Good!
- Cliff: Well Coach, it's just clear we've reached a philosophical impasse here, you know, much like the question of the tree falling in the woods.
- Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: The what?
- Cliff: The tree falling in the woods.
- Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Oh.
- Cliff: The question is, if a tree falls in the woods, and if there's nobody there to hear it, does it make a sound?
- Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Well if there's nobody there, I mean, how do you know it fell?