- Rebecca Howe: Sam, why are you so desperate to see my sister and I make up? I mean, what is it to you? Is this another stupid ploy to get me into bed?
- Sam Malone: Rebecca, don't be ridiculous, I'm thinking of both of you.
- Sam Malone: You are Susan Howe, the actress. I loved you in that two-headed movie.
- Susan Howe: Oh, which one? I did two of them. Was it the one where the head was coming out of my neck?
- Sam Malone: Yeah, that's the one.
- Susan Howe: Oh thank goodness, because the other one I am not proud of.
- Rebecca Howe: [having caught her sister attempting to seduce Sam] Oh no, sister. I don't hurt anymore. I am way beyond hurt.
- Sam Malone: Don't be silly now, girls, please.
- Rebecca Howe: [pulling out a gun] And now it is Susan Howe's turn to hurt!
- Sam Malone: [shocked] Hey, that's a gun!
- Rebecca Howe: It ain't licorice!
- Sam Malone: [attempting to mediate] Now, come on, let's talk about this. This is silly.
- Susan Howe: No, please! I'm too young to die!
- Sam Malone: Rebecca...
- [Susan screams just before Rebecca fires the gun at her, causing Susan to crumple to the floor]
- Sam Malone: [shocked] Holy cow!
- Rebecca Howe: That was for Dan Buttinger! And this is for Jeff Carnahan...
- [Rebecca fires at Susan again]
- Rebecca Howe: ...and Mike Deets...
- [Rebecca fires at Susan again]
- Rebecca Howe: ...and Sam Malone.
- [Rebecca fires 3 shots at Susan again]
- Sam Malone: [reeling around in shock at what he just witnessed] Oh boy, oh boy!
- Sam Malone: [upon realizing that Susan and Rebecca Howe played a practical joke on him, making him think Rebecca had killed Susan] That wasn't funny. I mean that's the kind of thing that could, you know, give somebody serious, mental damage. Am I right, Lilith?
- Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: No, it was funny, Sam.
- Sam Malone: I'm never gonna speak to either one of you again.
- Rebecca Howe: Oh Sam, that's really too bad. Because you know, in a way, fending off your stupid advances brought Susan and I back together. We haven't been this close since we were kids. We're grateful.
- Sam Malone: [interest piqued] How grateful?
- [Rebecca walks into the office, where her sister Susan and Sam are making out]
- Rebecca Howe: Sam, I'm ready for our date... Susan!
- Sam Malone: Rebecca, I can explain this.
- [starts to walk over to Rebecca, but then is pulled back by his arm that was behind Susan]
- Sam Malone: Ow! My finger's caught in your bra.