- Sam Malone: [about using the pool room on Sundays] Sunday is the night that we have our weekly pool tournament.
- [general agreement from the guys]
- Rebecca Howe: Well just have your pool tournament another night.
- Sam Malone: [laughs] Yeah right. Like we can rearrange our schedule here, right.
- Rebecca Howe: What about Monday night?
- Sam Malone: Yoh, guys, we got a lady right off the boat here, doesn't speak any English. Tell her what happens Monday night, will you please.
- Hugh, Cliff Clavin, Dr. Frasier Crane, Norm Peterson, Tim: Football.
- Rebecca Howe: How about Tuesday?
- Hugh: Darts night.
- Rebecca Howe: Wednesday.
- Cliff Clavin: Recovery from darts night.
- Tim: Thursday's poker night.
- Sam Malone: Friday's the night to howl.
- Cliff Clavin: Yeah, and Saturday night is date night, so where does that leave us?
- Norm Peterson: Horny on Sundays.
- Sam Malone: Yoh!
- Sam Malone: What are you doing there?
- Woody Boyd: Miss Howe put Moi in charge of refreshments for the book club.
- Sam Malone: [points] Yeah, but what are those?
- Woody Boyd: Finger sandwiches. You know the part that takes so much time is getting that middle knuckle right.
- Sam Malone: What are you doing, Woody?
- Woody Boyd: [rubbing his hands together] I'm wringing my hands with guilt.
- Sam Malone: Oh. I don't think I've ever seen that before. Why?
- Woody Boyd: I told a terrible lie to the guys, Sam.
- Sam Malone: Oh, you mean about being on that TV show?
- Woody Boyd: No, that was true, but I got a telephone call, and I pretended it was Robert Urich on the other end. I mean I didn't hurt anybody or anything, although your plumber seemed a little confused.
- Sam Malone: Well, don't worry about it. I'm sure everyone will forgive you.
- Woody Boyd: But it was a lie Sam, and I've never told a lie before.
- Sam Malone: What?
- Woody Boyd: No, no, wait, that's a lie. I told a lie. Now that's two lies. See how much easier it gets.
- [sobbing]
- Woody Boyd: Oh my God, I'm out of control. What's next? Murder?