Jeff Anderson: Randal Graves

Quotes 

• Judge Reinhold : Has the jury reached a verdict?

  Reggie Miller : Yes. In the case of Jay vs. Dante Hicks, we find in favor of... Randal, the best lawyer in the world and give him 10 million dollars.

  Dante Hicks : I'm Dante and I'm the biggest idiot ever.

  Randal Graves : [after he wakes up from his dream]  I have to put that one in my dream journal.

• Randal Graves : Show us on the doll where they touched you.

  Dante Hicks : Nobody touched me.

  Randal Graves : Who was it? There's no more running from your past. Who touched you?

  Dante Hicks : I hate you.

• Randal Graves : State your name and latest film.

  George Lucas : George Lucas, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

  Randal Graves : And, do you think Phantom Menace is as good a movie as Empire?

  George Lucas : Well, certainly, I, uh, think it's the best movie I've made yet.

  Randal Graves : Permission to treat this witness as hostile. Mr. Lucas, how do you explain that in Star Wars, Obi-Wan tells Luke that when he met his father he was a great pilot, but in Menace he's just a little boy?

  George Lucas : Uh, well, my... my kids thought...

  Randal Graves : And how come Obi-Wan tells Luke that Yoda is the Jedi that trained him, but in the movie Liam Neeson trains Obi-Wan?

  George Lucas : Uh, well, the power of myth...

  Randal Graves : Isn't it true you knew this was a bad movie, that you wrote it over a weekend but kept telling people it was done for years?

  Lawyer : Objection, your honor. The pod race was pretty cool.

• Randal Graves : Why the hell is he called Silent Bob, anyway?

• [following a long series of dream sequences] 

  Randal Graves : Hey wait. Are you the biggest idiot ever?

  Dante Hicks : No, you are.

  Randal Graves : Okay, then, this isn't a dream.

• [Randal is going to defend Dante at his trial] 

  Dante Hicks : What are you doing? You're gonna get us both sent to jail!

  Randal Graves : In Virginia, anyone who passes the bar can be a lawyer.

  Dante Hicks : You haven't passed the bar! And this isn't Virginia!

  Randal Graves : They don't know that!

  Lawyer : Your Honor, may I point out that this man is not a lawyer, and we are relatively sure this is not Virginia.

  Randal Graves : Your Honor, may *I* point out that I've seen all of your movies, including "Zandalee" and "Vice Versa."

  Judge Reinhold : I'm going to allow it.

• Randal Graves : At this point, I'd like to point out that neither my client nor myself recognize this court's authority.

  Judge Reinhold : Very well.

• Randal Graves : State your name and occupation.

  Nichole Corwin : Nichole Corwin. I work at the mall.

  Randal Graves : Do you remember seeing me at the mall?

  Nichole Corwin : Yeah, you're the guy they threw out of the bookstore.

  Randal Graves : Correct. What is your phone number, Miss Corwin?

  Nichole Corwin : 555-0145.

  Randal Graves : Thank you.

• Lawyer : Your honor, if it pleases the court, we'd like to play the 911 tapes from that fateful night.

  911 Operator : 911, what's your emergency?

  Jay : Shut up, shut up. Yeah, we need an ambulance at 1611 Uranus Avenue. I said Uranus.

  911 Operator : Sir what's your name?

  Jay : Uranus. I said it again, Randal.

  Randal Graves : Good one Jay. Now hang up.

• Randal Graves : The defense now calls Steven Spielberg.

  Lawyer : Your honor, what is the point of this?

  Dante Hicks : I agree.

  Randal Graves : Your honor, you've also never been in a Spielberg movie.

  Judge Reinhold : I was in Gremlins.

  Randal Graves : But not Gremlins 2.

  Judge Reinhold : You're right. I'm going to allow it.

  Randal Graves : Man, what was the deal with Hook? I want my 8 bucks back.

  Randal Graves : [Joel Schumacher is on the stand in his batsuit]  Man, Batman & Robin was so gay.

  [Spike Lee and Woody Allen give Randal his money back] 

  Randal Graves : The defense rests, your honor.

  Dante Hicks : You're resting? How are we doing?

  Randal Graves : Great.

• Dante Hicks : You could never handle the Quickstop!

  Randal Graves : You could never handle RST!

  Doctor : And neither of you could handle a balloon angioplasty on a collapsed aorta!

• [after making Jay fall down for the second time in fifteen seconds] 

  Randal Graves : Classic. I could do this for hours.

• [after he fails to throw a can in the trashcan] 

  Randal Graves : That's weird, I could have sworn I got game.

• [Dante is on trial] 

  Randal Graves : Mr. Hicks, in sixth grade, did you or did you not urinate all over the boys' bathroom floor?

  Dante Hicks : That was you!

  Randal Graves : Yes or no!

  Dante Hicks : No!

  Randal Graves : I might remind you that you're under oath.

  Dante Hicks : No, it was you.

  Randal Graves : Your Honor, strike that from the record.

• Randal Graves : [Randal's opening argument to the all-black jury of NBA players]  Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Dante Hicks is just like you. He lurves grape soda. He knows what it's like when the guy at the supermarket won't take your "food stamps". Or how it feels to wait all month for your "welfare check".

  [waving his arms from side to side] 

  Randal Graves : Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! Thank you.

  Honorable Judge Reinhold : Wow...

  Dante Hicks : Great... now the jury hates us.

  Randal Graves : Nonsense. I've got them eating out of my hand.

  [a basketball hits Dante in the face]