Clerks (TV Series)

Leonardo Is Caught in the Grip of an Outbreak of Randal's Imagination and Patrick Swayze Either Does or Doesn't Work in the New Pet Store (2001)

Brian O'Halloran: Dante Hicks

Photos 

Quotes 

• Randal Graves : And the lightsaber, you turn it on and it goes yea-high. How does it know when to stop?

  Dante Hicks : The Force?

  Randal Graves : Man, that's your answer for everything.

• Dante Hicks : Wow. A new pet store. Wanna go check out the monkey?

  Randal Graves : I guess we should, if we're gonna kill it.

  Dante Hicks : What? Kill a monkey? Are you mad?

  Randal Graves : Man, didn't you see Outbreak? One monkey almost wiped out an entire town and Kevin Spacey with the deadly Motaba virus.

  Dante Hicks : Um, that was a movie. This is real life.

  Randal Graves : You said the same thing about Jaws when we were kids.

  Dante Hicks : Because you refused to sit on the toilet!

  Randal Graves : Sharks swim in water. There's water in the toilet. I rest my case.

  Dante Hicks : Sharks only swim in salt water.

  Randal Graves : I have salt water in my toilet.

  Dante Hicks : You're so naïve.

• Randal Graves : Check it out, patient zero.

  Randal Graves : [while looking at the monkey]  As God is my witness, monkey, you are not going to infect this town with your deadly virus.

  Randal Graves : Look how scared he is. He's shaking.

  Dante Hicks : No. He's masturbating.

  Randal Graves : Yeah, but it's out of fear.

• Major Baklava : We will need to take a sexual history from both of you. And here to take your sexual his is two giggling girls.

  Giggling Girl : Okay, when was the last time you had sex?

  Dante Hicks : About a year ago.

  Giggling Girl : A year?

  [They laugh at Dante] 

  Dante Hicks : This stinks.

  Randal Graves : Shut up. Maybe we can have sex with them.

  [the girls gasp] 

• Dante Hicks : [while waking up under a pile of clothes]  Hello? Ha! You can't tell me to go to work beacuse I'm already at work.

• Dante Hicks : What are you going to do with a monkey?

  Jay : Teach it to smoke, Duh.

• Dante Hicks : No, I know there's no virus because you think there is. Name me one time you've been right about ANYTHING.

  Randall Graves : What about that time I said, "There's two jobs open down at the Block of Stores? Excellent pay, great opportunities for advancement, we'll do it for six months then move on."

  [Realizes] 

  Randall Graves : Oh my God. You're right. I'm always wrong.

• Dante : Yes, I'm gay.

• Dante Hicks : Look, there is no virus. You're all just victims of the over-active imagination of a pop-culture junkie loudmouth.

  Major Baklava : Quentin Tarantino?

• Dante Hicks : There never was a Motaba virus. It was just a hoax played by an idiot with too much time on his hands.

  Bomber Pilot : Quentin Tarantino?

• [Randal has not disposed of a box of rotten burritos] 

  Dante Hicks : Could you please get them out of here? They're stinking up the place.

  Randal Graves : I just hope no one ever says that about your parents.

• [the monkey is jumping around] 

  Dante Hicks : What's he doing?

  Jay : Nicotine fit.

  [Silent Bob acts like a monkey] 

  Randal Graves : Well what's he doing?

  Jay : Nicotine fit.