- [first lines]
- Dionne 'Dee' Davenport: [narrating what she's writing in her diary] Usually summer disappears quicker than a Matthew Perry film, but not this summer. With Cher missing from my world, summer break seemed endless, like monopoly with Grandma.
- Dionne 'Dee' Davenport: [still narrating what she's writing in her diary] The fabulous Horowitz mansion is now occupied by The Evil One... and, horror of horrors, Cher is trapped in rural Bakersfield slash dogpatch, which is only two hours away by car,
- [toothless old farmer seen]
- Dionne 'Dee' Davenport: but seventeen million years from dental evolution.