- Cher Horowitz: [opening lines]
- [voiceover]
- Cher Horowitz: It was a beautiful day, with only a second-stage smog alert.
- Mel Horowitz: [as Cher is pouring tea for Dad's breakfast, he is on cellphone] I'm telling you for the last time, I want that deposition today!
- Cher Horowitz: [voiceover continues] I was in Beverly Hills with my Daddy, and it's my job to take care of him, since Mom died when I was just a baby.
- Mel Horowitz: [hastily eating on the run] How come these eggs have no taste?
- Cher Horowitz: It's just the whites. Daddy, the Hart Disease Gala Ball is in two weeks. Now, should we get the Gold pager package, or the Diamond Jubilee ticket?
- Mel Horowitz: Cher, this case is taking up all my time. We can't go to a ball this year.
- Cher Horowitz: But it's for such a good cause. And they're making monster strides in hypertension research.
- Mel Horowitz: [as he leaves hurriedly] Just send a contribution.
- Cher Horowitz: [going after him] Daddy, heart disease is the leading killer of Americans. And they always have a wicked band.
- [door slams shut as her Dad leaves, and her shoulders drop]
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: [as the two friends walk along] Cher, there are lots of other diseases with parties.
- Cher Horowitz: Maybe it's like a sign that I can't be Daddy's little girl forever.
- [Dee makes appreciative sound]
- Cher Horowitz: It's time I found a man of my own.
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Oh, I am so in agreement. You've got to start scoping out guys.
- Cher Horowitz: Or high school boys.
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Well, unfortunately, the vast majority of boys in high school are high school boys. It's a real Catch-22.
- Cher Horowitz: [teasing them about their model truck] Oh, the joy of it, the boys have a new toy.
- Murray: Toy? Cher, let me explain something to you. This is an exact replica of the Ford Explorer 1996, with dual air-bags and a V8 engine.
- Sean Holiday: And 210 horsepower!
- Murray: Mm.
- Cher Horowitz: It's a toy truck!
- [Dee giggles]
- Murray: What's that under your arm?
- Sean Holiday: Hello!
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Duh, these are backpacks.
- Sean Holiday: Yeah, right.
- Murray: Backpacks? They look like stuffed animals to me.
- Sean Holiday: Word.
- Cher Horowitz: They're shaped like stuffed animals to make a fashion statement.
- Murray: [Sean scoffs] Cher, the only statement they're making, is a primal scream against the loss of childhood, a deep-rooted fear of adult responsibilities, and add a wishful yearning for simpler times.
- Sean Holiday: [impressed by that dialogue] Hit me one!
- Murray: [smartly] You know this!
- [the two boys saunter off satisfied]
- Cher Horowitz: [defeated, to Dee] He brings up a good point.
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: I hate when he does that!
- Mr. Hall: [in class, roll call] Marianne?
- Marianne: Available.
- Mr. Hall: Cher?
- Cher Horowitz: What is it?
- Mr. Hall: It's time for you to tell me whether or not you're with us today.
- Cher Horowitz: Of course I am.
- Mr. Hall: [sounding labored] Murray?
- Murray: In the house.
- Mr. Hall: [looking tired] Sean?
- Sean Holiday: With full effect.
- Mr. Hall: Amber?
- Amber Mariens: Whatever.
- Mr. Hall: People, may I reiterate? A simple 'here' or 'present' will suffice. Now, the next two weeks have been generously set aside for the study of three centuries of poetry. So, has anyone ever voluntary read a poem that wasn't part of a school assignment?
- [Tai raises her hand]
- Mr. Hall: Excellent! Tai?
- Tai: Mr. Hall, are you counting in, like, greeting cards?
- Mr. Hall: Actually, uh, let's confine ourselves to verses that aim a bit higher.
- [Cher raises her hand]
- Mr. Hall: Cher?
- Cher Horowitz: Mr. Hall, you don't look so good.
- Mr. Hall: Cher, I'm aware that you have a very discerning eye when it comes to, uh, outward appearances...
- Cher Horowitz: No, no, Mr. Hall, I don't mean you don't look good, I meant... you don't look like you feel good. Are you all right?
- Mr. Hall: Well... I am a bit headache-y, but you know, it's nothing.
- [dismissive gesture]
- Cher Horowitz: But you're getting all flushed.
- [cellphone in hand]
- Cher Horowitz: You should see the nurse. I'll call her.
- Mr. Hall: Cher, I'm sure it can wait till after school.
- Cher Horowitz: [voiceover] Well, it turned out Mr. Hall was getting the measles, but thanks to my early diagnosis, he had an excellent chance of recovery. And we got out of school early.
- Amber Mariens: [as Dee surveys herself in the shop mirror] You know, if you don't have the body for it, you can make Emporio Armani look like Armani Exchange.
- [chipping away at Dee's confidence]
- Cher Horowitz: [chiding] Oh, that was way supportive.
- Amber Mariens: I am sorry, I'm very honest, I have to say what I think.
- Dionne "Dee" Davenport: Why?
- Cher Horowitz: [coming home late in the evening] Hi, Daddy! I told Lizzie to make the stew you like for dinner!
- Mel Horowitz: Where have you been?
- Cher Horowitz: Oh, why? It's, like, a school day. I guess I was at school.
- Mel Horowitz: [glancing at her shopping bags] I suppose Barney's opened an outlet at your school?
- Cher Horowitz: Well, I made a quick pit-stop for a few necessities.
- Mel Horowitz: Necessities? Come here, Cher, let me see these necessities.
- [inspecting her purchases, taking out a pair of pink platform heels]
- Mel Horowitz: Don't you have these exact same shoes?
- Cher Horowitz: Excuse me, but these have a pearlized finish. The other ones are patent leather.
- Mel Horowitz: What's wrong with patent leather?
- Cher Horowitz: [scoffs] They were, like, screaming 1995. It was totally embarrassing.
- Mel Horowitz: That's it! Shoes do not scream what year it is. This shopping addiction of yours has got to stop!
- Cher Horowitz: But, Daddy...
- Mel Horowitz: From now on, no more pit-stops on Rodeo, no visits to the mall, no little hikes along Melrose... I'm putting you on a budget!
- Cher Horowitz: [horrified] A budget?