The Comic Strip Presents (TV Series)

Detectives on the Edge of a Nervous Breakdown (1993)

Phil Cornwell: Dave Spanker

Quotes 

• Commander : The Gourmet Detective. Sad! This is the second TV detective to be killed in the last six months, Spanker, and so far you haven't come up with anything. So what have you got to say for yourself?

  Dave Spanker : I remember when there were ships on the Tyne. Big ships.

  Commander : Spanker, I've had about enough of your Northern nostalgia.

  Dave Spanker : With funnels on them.

• Commander : The 70s style dress suggests a 70s crime. We need to get the old hands in. We need to get the stars of the 70s.

  Dave Spanker : What, driving fast cars and shouting a lot? All that macho shite?

  Commander : Well all your long pauses haven't got me anywhere.

• Commander : Let's get one thing straight. Nobody calls me "guv".

  George : Why not?

  Dave Spanker : Because it's old fashioned.

  George : Who's the squatter? Friend of yours?

  Dave Spanker : Detective Inspector David Spanker.

  George : Shut up! Listen, guv. I'm a ten guv a day copper. Always have been, always will be. If you want me to work on this case I'm going to be calling you guv all day long. It's all I know and it's all you need to know, guv!

  Bonehead : If he's calling you guv, I'm calling you guv.

  Foyle : And me.

  Dave Spanker : Not all coppers are Londoners, you know.

  Commander , George , Bonehead , Foyle : Shut up!

• George : It's a 70s style crime that needs a 70s style investigation, which apparently means not driving like a maniac shouting "freeze".

  Bonehead : Yeah, but it's better than staring out of the window all the time. Look, he's doing it again. I mean what's he looking at?

  Dave Spanker : You do it your way, I'll do it my way.

  George : There's only one way we're doing this and that's HIS way. Which is...?

  Jason Bentley : Well it's very simple. I usually drive the Bentley to a large country house belonging to some mad, rich colonel, whereupon I drink a bottle of claret, smoke 50 cigarettes and have everyone arrested.

  Bonehead : Is that it?

  Jason Bentley : Occasionally some naughty men walk by in silver space suits.

  Bonehead : You're fucking mad.