- Dick: Thanks, Anne. You really are a proper little housewife. Not like George, she still thinks she's a boy!
- George: I think it's stupid being a girl. I wish I was a boy.
- Dick: Really, George! It's about time you gave up thinking you're as good as a boy. I mean, Anne is just a girl, but she doesn't mind, do you, Anne?
- George: Well, I absolutely do mind, actually!
- Julian: Steady on, you two, the hols have only just started.
- Anne: [putting her hand on his arm] You seem so grown up, Julian.
- [Julian and George find a rundown hut with rusting cars, bank safes and coffins lying around outside]
- Julian: Look, that car's got no motor tax.
- George: Maybe it belongs to an illegal immigrant.
- Julian: I shouldn't be surprised.
- George: What a strange, desolate place.
- [Julian knocks on the door. A huge, hairy man wearing a tatty string vest and sunglasses steps out]
- Dirty Dick: [Cockney accent] Yeah?
- Julian: Ah, good evening. Uh, we're the Famous Five and we're camping down by the lake and we need some food. We'd like some free range eggs, you own home-baked bread, some of your own cured bacon and your own honey and some tomatoes from your garden would do splendidly.
- Dirty Dick: Oh yeah? What do think this is, 'Arrods? Come on, piss off now! And don't speak to any coppers about me!
- Julian: I don't think I really like the tone of your voice.
- Fingers: [offscreen - also has a Cockney accent] 'Oo's that, then Dick? It's not the rozzers, I 'ope!
- Dirty Dick: Nah, just a couple of smarmy brats!
- Fingers: Tell 'em to scarper! There's some more dirty work to do.
- George: Wait a minute! You must be Dirty Dick.
- Dirty Dick: [nervous] No, no, my name's not Dirty Dick. It's er, it's er... Dirty Douglas!
- Julian: Look here. There's something very queer going on. What exactly are you doing in there?
- Dirty Dick: Oh, so you've tumbled our game, have you?
- Fingers: What's that? What's that? Are we done for, Dirty?
- Dirty Dick: Sorry, Fingers. I'm afraid we're bang to rights this time.
- Fingers: Let's make a run for it, Dirty! You start the car while I grab the sparklers. We can still get away with it!
- Dirty Dick: It's no good, Fingers! These kids are far too clever for us! We'll get 15 years each for this!
- Fingers: Oh, no! Not another stretch in clink! I'm gonna take the easy way out!
- [sound of a gunshot, then a thud]
- George: Urgh! What a horrid, common voice he's got!
- Dirty Dick: Oh well, I suppose I'd better go down to the police station and get nicked, then.
- Anne: Oh, do wipe your feet, Dick, I've only just dusted there.
- Dick: My word, Anne, you really are a proper little housewife! It must be awful being a girl and having to do all the work.
- Anne: Well, yes, it would be nice to do some of the more exciting things that you boys do. Still, I don't mind being dominated. At least I'm quiet and pretty and not like poor George.
- Dirty Dick: Right. Let's run through our evil plan once more, Mr. Knuckles.
- Fingers: Right you are, Mr. Lenin.
- [inside the tent]
- Dick: [whispering] Wake up, Ju. I can hear voices.
- Julian: I can't hear anything.
- Dick: Listen. There it is again.
- Fingers: Blah, blah, blah, stolen plans, blah, blah, blah, missing scientist, blah, blah, blah.
- Dick: Shh.
- Fingers: Blah, blah, blah, atom bomb, blah, blah, blah, Third World War, blah, blah, blah.
- Dick: Shh!
- Fingers: Blah, blah, blah, Kneecap Hill, blah, blah, blah, top secret, blah, blah, blah, kidnapped boy, blah, blah, blah, everything ties up, blah, blah, blah.
- Dick: Shh! Missing scientists? Kneecap Hill? Do me a favour? Big secret? What do you think it all means?
- Julian: I'm not sure, Dick, but it all sounds very queer!
- Dick: Adventures? That's all we ever have! Always hearing secret conversations, digging up buried treasure, chasing people down tunnels. Why can't we just do something else for a change?
- Julian: Like what?
- Dick: I don't know! Just... building model aeroplanes or country dancing.
- Julian: I'll pretend I didn't hear that!
Contribute to this page
Suggest an edit or add missing content
Top Gap
What is the broadcast (satellite or terrestrial TV) release date of Five Go Mad in Dorset (1982) in Australia?
Answer