- Oscar Leroy: One day it dawns on you that you're starting to get old. Then it dawns on you that you are old. Then it dawns on you that every second that ticks by is just another inch that you've dragged your carcass towards your own cold grave. Then one day stuff stops dawning on you... 'cause you died.
- Davis Quinton: You ever done any motivational speaking? You should look into it.
- Lacey: Yeah, Brent. Why don't you look Fitzy's Grandma in the eye and give her one good reason this town can't build a great big dirty ho.
- [Brent writes some names on a chalk board behind the Corner Gas counter]
- Oscar Leroy: More bounced checks? Cheap sons of ... Who is it? Peter Parker? Who's that? Is he from town here? And who's this Gene Luck Pycard?
- Brent LeRoy: I think that's Jean-Luc Picard.
- Oscar Leroy: What a handle! ... Marge Simpson? That sounds familiar. She's bounced checks here before, I think! That's it! Don't take checks from Marge Simpson or that French guy!
- [He walks out]
- Lacey: This is fun for you?
- Brent LeRoy: He's still trying to track down Arthur Fonzarelli.
- [at a meeting of the ad hoc committee to decide what World's Biggest Thing the town will build]
- Mrs. Jensen: Dog River has always been a farming community. I think that we should build something that would show how proud we are of our agricultural heritage.
- Brent LeRoy: There you go. Now we're cooking.
- Mrs. Jensen: My suggestion is we should build a hoe.
- Brent LeRoy: Uh ... World's Biggest Hoe?
- Lacey: They do attract people. And they certainly generate revenue.
- Lacey: You should seriously consider starting your own cult.
- Brent LeRoy: I'm thinking about it. Play your cards right and you could be wife number thirty.
- Oscar Leroy: Say a woman is attracted to a guy, but the guy doesn't want her to be. What can he do to make himself less appealing?
- Wanda Dollard: Sleep with her.
- Brent LeRoy: No, you guys, it can't be the World's Second Biggest Something. It's like the Greatest Show on Earth, nobody's heard of the Second Greatest Show on Earth.
- A Local: Quincy.
- [everyone nods in agreement]
- Davis Quinton: I can't believe they're building the World's Biggest Hoe. Might as well say we've got the World's Biggest Prostitute.
- [he and Karen laugh]
- Mrs. Jensen: [standing up from where she's sitting in front of them, looking shocked] Shame on you!
- [slaps Davis]
- Mrs. Jensen: Why do you youngsters always have such filthy mouths?