- Duke Phillips: I'm Duke Phillips, and from now on I'm speaking my own mind. First, I'll tell you what I'm really going to do as president. I'll run this country like I run my company. I'm going raid the pension fund, dump chemicals in the oceans, and sell our best assets to the Japanese.
- Ronald Reagan: Ooh! Looks like Reaganomics is making a comeback.
- Duke Phillips: Half of you states are in the toilet, and you're not coming out! New York, you know what I'm talking about. California, kiss your smoggy butt goodbye! New England, you're going back to Old England.
- Queen Elizabeth: Oh, I don't want that.
- Prince Charles: More poison? I mean, tea?
- Queen Elizabeth: Ah, don't mind if I do. You almost had me there.
- [She hits him over the head with her scepter, knocking him unconscious]
- Duke Phillips: Well, that's my speech, now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put on some leather and go get spanked. Vote for Duke. Good night.
- Marty Sherman: But all they want to do is goof off and eat candy.
- Jay Sherman: Well, son, as President, you're above that.
- [remembers Ronald Reagan being sworn in]
- Ronald Reagan: I do solemnly swear that as your President, I will goof off and eat candy.
- [falls asleep at podium]
- Crowd: Four more years! Four more years!
- [Marty unveils his unfinished float for the homecoming parade which turns out to be the rear end of a horse]
- Jay Sherman: It's a giant horse's ass!
- [to the audience]
- Jay Sherman: You're watching Fox. Give us 10 minutes, we'll give you an ass.
- Jay Sherman: Now, let's take a look at the new musical from Francis Ford Coppola: Apocalypse Wow!
- Colonel Walter E. Kurtz: [singing] Howdy Doo! I'm Colonel Kurtz. Fat and Bald like old Fred Murtz. Watch me do a Hula Dance. To shake the egg rolls from my pants
- [Performs a Hula dance as egg rolls fall from his pants]
- Severed Heads on Implanted Spears: [singing] He's not so bad, he's really just an odd man.
- Colonel Walter E. Kurtz: [singing] And I've shaved my head like Dennis Rodman.
- Photojournalist: [singing] He's a god, man!
- Duke Phillips: [Appearing in Apocalypse Wow] Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke!... VOTE FOR DUKE!
- Jay Sherman: Get that off my show!
- June Lockhart: [on why she's marrying Duke] Because he agreed to bring everybody back who was lost in space... even Dr. Smith!
- Duke Phillips: Gaze into the hypnotic power of my evil eye!
- [Eye flashes]
- Duke Phillips: Is there a follow-up question?
- Reporter: [hypnotized] How may I serve you, evil one?
- Franklin: Son, I'm going to be Vice President. And I'm going to be honest with the American people. I am not going to wear this toupee anymore!
- [Rips the hair off the top of his scalp]
- Jay Sherman: Dad, you don't wear a toupee.
- Franklin: I will from now on.
- Alice Thompkins: You want me to listen to my stomach?
- Jay Sherman: [chuckles] No, silly, your heart.
- Jay's Stomach: Noone ever listens to me! Boohoo, hoo!
- Franklin: [opening the debate] As the first black female head of the Ku Klux Klan, I'd like to say "America stinks!"
- Alice Thompkins: Listen, honey. I've known men like Duke all my life. There was this one boy back in college. Dealt drugs, went to jail, yet today, he's the star of Home Improvement.