- Orson Welles: Rosebud...
- [fade to color]
- Orson Welles: Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness. Wait, that's terrible. I quit... Just a handful for the road.
- [takes a handful of peas and walks away whilst munching loudly]
- Orson Welles: [off screen, delighted] Oh, what luck; there's a French fry stuck in my beard!
- [munches loudly]
- Adolph Hitmaker: If you want the world to love you, you must be big and jolly, like Santa Claus or Rush Limbaugh.
- Prof. Blowhard: Learn from this man, class, we should all be such independent thinkers.
- Students: [in monotone unison while taking notes] Be an independent thinker...
- Orson Welles: [advertising Blotto Bros. Wine] A rich, full-bodied wine sensibly priced at a dollar a jug. And for a little magic, I shall make this jug disappear.
- [he noisily guzzling the wine out of the jug]
- Jay Sherman: Well, I'll say thank you for the years of laughter and tears!
- Adam West: What tears would those be?
- Jay Sherman: Why, tears of... laughter!
- Jay Sherman: I've got to tell you, I hated that scene in Jurassic Park where you spit poison in the obnoxious fat guy's face!
- [Dilophosaurus hisses and spits at him]
- Jay Sherman: I did not see that coming!
- [watching a montage of clips where he repeats himself]
- Jay Sherman: "Rain Man"/"A Few Good Men"/"The Firm" is the latest stinker from Tom Cruise. He doesn't act anymore, he's on 'Cruise control!'
- Jay Sherman: Got to win the Pulitzer Prize. First I need a topic. "Chaplin, Polanski and Woody: Three Men and a Little Lady."
- [groans]
- [in "Merchant of Venice"]
- Keanu Reeves: Hath not a dude eyes? If you prick us, do we not get bummed? If we eat bad guacamole, do we not blow chunks?
- [in "Arthur III: Revenge of the Liver"]
- Doctor: Arthur, I'm afraid you have... acute cirrhosis.
- Arthur: And you have a cute little butt! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha!
- Doctor: No, you don't understand. Your pancreas is swollen to the size of a basketball.
- Arthur: Oh, no wonder I dribble so much! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha!
- Doctor: This is very serious, you have less than a year to live!
- Arthur: [pointing to tongue depressors] Oh, don't look now, but somebody's eaten all your popsicles! Ha-haaa! Why there's a piano!
- [begins to sing]
- Arthur: I've got a liver the size of coconuts...
- Jay's ex-wife: [on phone] Jay, this is your ex-wife. Your alimony check is eightteen minutes late. No... nineteen minutes. That's it, I'm calling my lawyer.
- Prof. Blowhard: Jay, you weren't meant to create. You were made to tear apart!
- Jay Sherman: I was?
- Prof. Blowhard: You were born to nitpick what others poured their hearts and souls into!
- Jay Sherman: I shall! I shall!
- Prof. Blowhard: Be a truth teller!
- Jay Sherman: I will, you pompous windbag!
- Prof. Blowhard: Learn from this man, class, that we should all be such independent thinkers!