- Jay Sherman: So, how was prison?
- Jay's No.1 Fan: Well, the treated me pretty bad at first, but... then they found out I tried to kill a film critic. You know, in Texas, it's not even a crime.
- Jay Sherman: I'm well aware. At the Houston Film Festival, only half of us got out alive!
- [laughs]
- Jay Sherman: Lady, don't take this the wrong way, but you're nuts!
- Old Lady: Oh, you sound just like the toaster.
- [in Indecent Proposal II movie]
- Robert Redford: I'd like to sleep with your wife and I'm prepared to pay... six dollars.
- Demi Moore: Last time you paid us a million!
- Robert Redford: I know. At the time, I was worth one million and six dollars.
- Jay Sherman: Next year, you could be head of this studio.
- Security Guard: No, last year I was head of the studio. A twelve-picture deal with Shelly Long seemed like a good idea...
- Jay Sherman: Jeremy, you're just an actor! You don't know how to use that thing!
- Jeremy: It's just a gun for god's sakes, not a bloody Xerox machine!
- [Reviewing Dr. Haing S. Ngor in "The Killing Fields"]
- Jay Sherman: If you ask me, he should've gone to the "Acting Fields"!