The Detectives (TV Series)

Collared (1994)

Jasper Carrott: Bob Louis

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dave Briggs : I suppose we should look on the bright side, Bob.

  Bob Louis : Bright side. Okay, fine. Oh joy, oh joy, hurrah, hurrah, we've been suspended.

  Dave Briggs : No, we haven't.

  Bob Louis : Oh, yes we have.

  Dave Briggs : No, we haven't.

  [Reads memo] 

  Dave Briggs : According to the Super's memo, we have "been temporarily relieved of duties pending an investigation." If we'd been suspended, it would say "suspended" wouldn't it? That's your trouble, you always have to be melodramatic. Always have to make mountains out of molehills.

  Bob Louis : Dave, we were on News at Ten. Trevor McDonald called us "a pair of pillocks."

  Dave Briggs : No, he didn't. That was Julia Somerville.

  Bob Louis : The Chief Constable of the Metropolitan Police said "we were a disgrace to the force."

  Dave Briggs : "To the uniform." He said "a disgrace to the uniform."

  Bob Louis : All right, Mr Brightside, what about this? And I quote: "The actions of the two detective constables were, to say the least, unfortunate and regrettable."

  Dave Briggs : What does the Queen know about police work anyway?

• Bob Louis : [Reading from papers]  Okay, what about this? "Bumbling Bobbies in Right Royal Row." And this "Cock-up Coppers Carry the Can." "Questions in the House as Police cause Diplomatic Incident." "Man with Fifteen Nipples gives Birth to Crocodile."

  [Reacts to the last headline] 

  Dave Briggs : We weren't responsible for that.

  Bob Louis : *We* weren't responsible for anything, it was you who left his handbag in the bloody bank!

• Bob Louis : [Briggs opens a suspicious briefcase]  Is it?

  Dave Briggs : Yes.

  [Removes packets of sandwiches] 

  Dave Briggs : Those are definitely my sandwiches.