The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)
It Wouldn't Hurt Them to Give Us a Raise (1964)
Dick Van Dyke: Rob Petrie
Photos
Quotes
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Rob Petrie : Mr. Wesley, this pot is The Alan Brady Show, right?
Doug Wesley : Right.
Rob Petrie : [tossing out flowers as he speaks] Uh-huh, and his lovely red flower is Alan Brady. Uh-huh. Now, you take away Sally Rogers, and Buddy Sorrell, and Robert Petrie, and all Alan has left is an empty pot!
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Doug Wesley : Alan Brady works for Alan Brady Productions.
Rob Petrie : Yeah, but he owns it.
Doug Wesley : Ah, but Alan Brady Productions is a subsidiary of Reliance Industries.
Rob Petrie : [clears throat] What, uh... what's a Reliance Industries?
Doug Wesley : Reliance Industries owns The Cliff Barnett Show and they run a fleet of shrimp boats in the Gulf of Mexico.
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Doug Wesley : You see, you and Sally and Buddy are not employed by the same firm.
Rob Petrie : We're not?
Doug Wesley : No, no, no. You, Rob, as head writer, are an executive, and all our executives are paid by Alan's Japanese company, Ishimoru.
Rob Petrie : Ishimoru, is that Japanese?
Doug Wesley : Oh, yes, yes.
Rob Petrie : You know, I always thought that was a combination of Alan's kids' names.
Doug Wesley : No. No. No, they make motorcycles, Rob.
Rob Petrie : And, and, they, uh, they pay me. Well, then, who... who pays Buddy and Sally?
Doug Wesley : Tam O'Shanter Ltd. of Scotland.
Rob Petrie : Why can't Tam O'Shanter Ltd. of Scotland give them a raise, then?
Doug Wesley : They're not doing too well right now, Rob.
Rob Petrie : [looking at their sizable corporate binder] They're not? With a book that thick, they're not? What, uh... what do THEY make?
Doug Wesley : Mm, right now, very bad investments, but a few years ago they were doing very well.
Rob Petrie : Well, what... what did they make then?
Doug Wesley : The Martin and Lewis coloring book.
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Doug Wesley : [trying to explain Alan Brady's corporate picture] Rob, maybe I can demonstrate it better with the flowers.
Rob Petrie : The flowers?
Doug Wesley : [picking up a vase of fowers] Yeah. Now, this pot is Alan Brady.
Rob Petrie : Good casting.
Doug Wesley : All these flowers are his various enterprises.
Rob Petrie : He has that many flowers, huh?
Doug Wesley : Now this big, lusty, healthy blue flower - that's Ishimoru.
Rob Petrie : [taking the blue flower] Ishimoru... uh, uh - ptpt ptpt - motorcycles.
Doug Wesley : Right, right. Now, this sickly little green flower - that's Tam O'Shanter.
Rob Petrie : [taking the green flower] Tam O'Shanter, uh, coloring books.
Doug Wesley : Right.
Rob Petrie : Got that.
Doug Wesley : Now, this big pink flower - that's Brady Lady.
Rob Petrie : Brady Lady?
Doug Wesley : Brady Lady is owned by Alan's wife.
Rob Petrie : Alan's wife?
Doug Wesley : She pays the band.
Rob Petrie : Alan's wife pays the band?
Doug Wesley : Well, it's a perfectly legitimate loophole, Rob.
[Rob takes the pink flower as Mel enters and exits]
Mel Cooley : Wesley, would you check over these figures and get an answer back to me right away? I've been up here a thousand times: you never gave ME any flowers.
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Buddy Sorrell : [upon hearing of a 15% raise] Boy, that's... that's great. Why didn't you tell us last night?
Rob Petrie : Well, there's a little more.
Buddy Sorrell : A little more than 15%?
Rob Petrie : No.
Sally Rogers : You mean we split 15%?
Rob Petrie : No, no.
Buddy Sorrell : Seven and a half percent?
Rob Petrie : No.
Sally Rogers : 3%.
Rob Petrie : No, it's 15% raise.
Buddy Sorrell : It's there, but nobody got it. It's a treasure hunt.
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Rob Petrie : I'm just happy about your new jobs.
Buddy Sorrell : New jobs already?
Sally Rogers : With whom?
Rob Petrie : Barracuda Limited.
Buddy Sorrell : Barracuda? What is that?
Rob Petrie : Alan Brady's mother-in-law.