The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

Obnoxious, Offensive, Egomaniac, Etc. (1966)

Morey Amsterdam: Buddy Sorrell

Quotes 

• Rob Petrie : Hey, there's a transom over that door. If it was open, we could crawl through it.

  Laura Petrie : Rob, that's burglary.

  Rob Petrie : Not technically, honey. We're taking back something we gave Alan. The worst they can call us is Indian givers.

  Sally Rogers : Well, anything's better than being called unemployed.

  Rob Petrie : Honey, it won't hurt if we just go up there and take a look at the door.

  Sally Rogers : Yeah, yeah, Rob. Let's-let's go take a look at the door.

  Laura Petrie : Oh, Rob, I don't like it.

  Buddy Sorrell : What do you mean you don't like it? You didn't even see it. It's a great door.

  Laura Petrie : What about the play?

  Sally Rogers : Laura, this is the play-- Three writers in search of their job. Come on, guys.

  Rob Petrie : Honey, we're just going to take a look at the door. We'll be back in a few minutes.

  Laura Petrie : No, no, I'm going too.

  Rob Petrie : Well, there's no need to.

  Laura Petrie : Yes, there is, Rob. If you going to do something illegal, I'm going to be there to see you don't get into trouble.

• Rob Petrie : I tore my shirt on a nail.

  Buddy Sorrell : Don't worry about it. I'll get you another shirt.

  Laura Petrie : Will you get him another arm?

  Buddy Sorrell : No. My policy only covers shirts and clothing.

• Alan Brady : Was it also Rob's idea to switch the scripts?

  Rob Petrie : Well, Alan, we felt a little bad about that first sketch. We made some changes in it.

  Alan Brady : You did, huh?

  Buddy Sorrell : Yeah, we put in a lot of new jokes and stuff.

  Sally Rogers : Oh boy, real funny stuff, Alan.

  Alan Brady : That first script had pretty funny stuff in it. "Bald-headed fink", that's pretty funny.

• Rob Petrie : Why did you two have to type the words in? Isn't saying it enough?

  Buddy Sorrell : No, there's somethin' about seeing it in print that's much better than hearing it in spoken.

  Laura Petrie : Listen, maybe if you explain to Alan...

  Rob Petrie : Honey, how much explaining can you do between "You're" and "Fired"?

  Laura Petrie : Well, Rob, you're gonna have to do something!

  Sally Rogers : Yeah, how about let's get police protection, huh?

  Rob Petrie : I got it. I know how to get into Alan's office.

  Buddy Sorrell : What are you gonna do? Pick the lock with a telephone?

  Rob Petrie : [dialing the desk phone]  No, I'm gonna call Mac the night watchman.

  Buddy Sorrell : [sarcastically]  Oh, that's right. He's got a skeleton phone.

• Rob Petrie : [trying to break into Alan's office]  It's locked.

  Buddy Sorrell : Hey, you know something? If one of us were on the other side, we could open it from that side.

• Sally Rogers : Let's get out of here. This place gives me the creeps.

  Buddy Sorrell : Sure, a creep lives here.

• Laura Petrie : Rob, you can't do it without waking him.

  Buddy Sorrell : Hey, Rob, she's right. Let's kill 'im.

• Buddy Sorrell : I-I told you he needed hair. His brain's catching cold.

• Sally Rogers : [after Laura found the key to Alan's office and opened the door]  And I was gonna fire you and make her the mastermind.

  Rob Petrie : Well, I got one last master plan. Let's switch those scripts and get out of here.

  Buddy Sorrell : [taking out the script he and Sally modified]  All right, look, here, take this one; here's the script we fixed up.

  Rob Petrie : [searching Alan's desk]  We gotta find Alan's copy first. It's not here. Must be here somewhere.

  [tries to open a drawer] 

  Rob Petrie : In here is locked.

  Laura Petrie : Rob, you cannot break into a man's desk!

  Rob Petrie : We just broke into a man's office!

  Laura Petrie : [hearing approaching footsteps]  Somebody's coming!

  Sally Rogers : Alan! Hide!

  Rob Petrie : Douse the light! Get the door! Oh, the bottle! He'll see the bottle!