- Alan Brady: I'm NOT impatient... and your time is up!
- Rob Petrie: You have the impatience of genius.
- Alan Brady: Go ahead, finish your thought.
- Rob Petrie: [about Mel] Well, we gotta make him feel appreciated, make him feel wanted.
- Buddy Sorrell: Why don't we put his picture in the post office?
- Sally Rogers: Now, you think of some of Mel's good points.
- Buddy Sorrell: He only got one good point, and if he wears a hat, nobody'll notice it.
- Mel Cooley: Yesterday, you saw why a producer goes gray before his time... or loses his hair.
- Buddy Sorrell: Oh, I didn't say anything.
- Mel Cooley: Yeah, I know. I appreciate your restraint.
- Buddy Sorrell: Boy, it looks like Mel's got a big problem.
- Sally Rogers: No, I don't think so. I think he just gave it to Rob.
- Laura Petrie: Like my mother always says, "If you don't respect yourself, nobody else will."
- Rob Petrie: Yeah, well, everybody's mother says that.
- Laura Petrie: 'Cept Mel's.
- Rob Petrie: Well, I'm his new mother, and I don't know what to do with him, either.
- Rob Petrie: I'll pretend like I'm tyin' my shoelace.
- Buddy Sorrell: Wait, you're wearin' loafers.
- Rob Petrie: That's why I have to pretend.
- [distracted my Mel's problem, Rob has eaten dinner without noticing it]
- Rob Petrie: Have you got any dessert?
- Laura Petrie: You ate it.
- Rob Petrie: What was it?
- Laura Petrie: Bavarian cream pie.
- Rob Petrie: Oh, darn. I love that! Is there any more?
- Laura Petrie: Darling, you had two helpings.
- Rob Petrie: Aw, darn. Why didn't you tell me?
- Rob Petrie: That's why you need Mel.
- Alan Brady: Why, because he's a drudge?
- Rob Petrie: Right.
- Alan Brady: A sniveling coward?
- Rob Petrie: Right.
- Alan Brady: A brainless idiot?
- Rob Petrie: Right.
- Buddy Sorrell: So far, I coulda done this.
- Rob Petrie: Only a square would spend so many hours checking the details. Only a pest... only a brother-in-law would try to watch your budget like he does. A whipping boy? Sure he is, but he takes a whipping for the people you really would like to hit; and, if you did, they'd hit back, and you wouldn't have any show.
- Alan Brady: You guys make me feel like Captain Bligh. You really want Mel back Mr. Christian?
- Rob Petrie: Yes.
- Buddy Sorrell: So does Mr. Jewish.
- Rob Petrie: You don't give yourself enough credit. Sally and I know what you've done for that show, well Buddy too.
- Buddy Sorrell: Sure, but we love you anyway.
- Mel Cooley: Are you trying to say I'm rehired?
- Alan Brady: I'm trying to avoid saying it. It'd make me sick.