- Rob Petrie: Hey, I just called to see if you started dinner yet.
- Laura Petrie: Why?
- Rob Petrie: Well, uh, uh, Drew Patton's here and he wanted to discuss that deal I told you about.
- Laura Petrie: Oh? Well, I thought you decided you didn't want to have anything to do with that magazine.
- Rob Petrie: No, honey, that was YOU who didn't.
- Drew Patton: Every guy - EVERY GUY - envies the kind of life I lead. Can you deny that, Rob?
- Laura Petrie: Rob aren't you going to deny that?
- Rob Petrie: Yeah, huh, right, um, right after dinner.
- Drew Patton: Why, uh, why after dinner?
- Rob Petrie: Well, I'd... I'd like to deny it in such a way that I don't make Laura mad, and I, uh, save a little self-respect for myself, and Drew doesn't think I'm a sissy.
- Rob Petrie: [Rob is testing Florence's speed at taking dictation] We the, uh, People, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, and provide for the common defense, promote the general wel... Am I going too fast?
- Florence: Not really.
- Rob Petrie: Well, what was the last sentence there?
- Florence: promote the general welfare and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
- Rob Petrie: I didn't go that far.
- Florence: I assumed that's where you were going. You weren't planning on making any changes, were you?
- Rob Petrie: No, no.
- Drew Patton: Thank you, Florence. That will be all.
- Florence: Shall I type that up for you?
- Rob Petrie: No, that won't be necessary. They, uh, have a copy in Washington.
- Rob Petrie: Do you guys think it would hurt my reputation any to be associated with this magazine?
- Sally Rogers: Well, depends on how good you look in a bikini.
- Rob Petrie: You know, the funny thing about that guy is that during college we all felt sorry for him. He was a bookworm, one of those real loners. I don't think the guy had a date through the whole four years.
- Sally Rogers: He was savin' it up.
- Rob Petrie: You know, I don't think he does half the things they print about him.
- Sally Rogers: Well, I don't think they print half the stuff he does.
- Drew Patton: Every guy in America gets vicarious kicks out of the way I live.
- Rob Petrie: Yeah, I see what you mean.
- Laura Petrie: You do?
- Rob Petrie: Yeah.
- Laura Petrie: You gets vicarious kicks out of the way he lives?
- Rob Petrie: Oh, I, no, I... I'm... I see... I see what... what he... means about them, honey, but I... guys, you know, who like that kind of... of a thing.
- Drew Patton: Uh, do you, uh... do you believe him, Laura?
- Laura Petrie: Oh course I believe him. Rob's never given me any reason not to.
- Drew Patton: If Rob says that, uh, he doesn't envy the kind of life that I lead, he's one of two things. He's either, um, a liar or he's, uh, scared.
- Laura Petrie: No, I don't think he's either one of those things.
- Drew Patton: Oh, in that case, he's dead.
- Buddy Sorrell: Well, I think it's disgusting.
- Rob Petrie: Oh come on, Buddy, we can't sit in judgement on how another man lives.
- Buddy Sorrell: No, I just think it's disgusting I don't live that way.
- Drew Patton: Well, how do you feel about, uh, 'Emperor Magazine'?
- Laura Petrie: You really want an honest opinion?
- Drew Patton: Sure.
- Laura Petrie: Well, I feel pretty much the way Rob does. The writing in that magazine is so good that you really don't need all those pictures.
- Rob Petrie: Well, Drew, haven't you ever found a girl you'd like to settle down with?
- Drew Patton: Oh, Rob, every day of my life.
- Laura Petrie: Well, then, how come you've never married one of them?
- Drew Patton: Because if I did, every husband in America would be upset.
- Drew Patton: We can swing tomorrow night.
- Rob Petrie: Okay.
- [on the phone with Laura]
- Rob Petrie: Honey, that's okay, Drew and I will sw... go out tomorrow night.
- Drew Patton: She's our assistant dessert editor and formerly Miss April of 1960.
- Rob Petrie: 1960, and she still looks good.
- Buddy Sorrell: Boy, what a job - just going around the country finding beautiful girls.
- Drew Patton: Oh, well, they find me. You see, the problem in this kind of business is finding the right men.
- Sally Rogers: Well, it looks like we're kind of in the same business. Wanna merge?