The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

Will You Two Be My Wife? (1963)

Dick Van Dyke: Rob Petrie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rob Petrie : And as Hamlet once said, "Hark, here comes Dorothy and I wish I was dead."

• Dorothy : Well, didn't you come here to talk about marriage?

  Rob Petrie : Yes. No!

  Dorothy : Well, which is it?

  Rob Petrie : Well, I... I came to talk about marriage but not OUR marriage.

  Dorothy : Whose marriage, then?

  Rob Petrie : Mine.

  Dorothy : Yours.

  Rob Petrie : Yeah.

  Dorothy : Yours and whose?

  Rob Petrie : Uh, Laura.

  Dorothy : WHO THE DEVIL IS LAURA!

• [Buddy and Sally are reading Rob's manuscript about being engaged to someone else] 

  Rob Petrie : [voiceover]  As I was standing in Dorothy's living room, I felt like a soldier who was AWOL: absent without love. As Hamlet once said, "Hark, here comes Dorothy, and I wish was dead." I had forgotten how beautiful and graceful Dorothy was. She was lovely, blond, about two inches taller than Laura, and about 45 percent sexier.

• [Rob and Sam debate over how to tell Dorothy Rob's marrying Laura instead of her] 

  Rob Petrie : How can you break news like that in a letter, anyway?

  Sam : Well, like this: You write, uh, "Dear Dorothy. How are you? I am fine. Regards to your mother and father. Sincerely, Sergeant Petrie. P.S. I'm sorry you couldn't make it here for my wedding."

• Sally Rogers : What about the honeymoon? Did you get to have one?

  Rob Petrie : I don't know yet.

• Rob Petrie : [as Buddy and Sally enter]  Hi, fellas.

  Sally Rogers : "Fellas." He said it again! He said "fellas."

  Rob Petrie : Oh, I'm sorry, Sally. You're always talkin' about how you like to be treated like one of the guys.

  Sally Rogers : Yeah, but not when I'm wearing my most feminine outfit. "Fellas!"

  Rob Petrie : I'm, sorry, Sal.

  Sally Rogers : Look, Rob, just for once, make believe I'm a girl?

  Buddy Sorrell : We'll do our best, Fred.

• [Rob explains he wants the first of two three-day passes for his honeymoon] 

  Captain : Why do you want another one?

  Rob Petrie : Well, sir, I have to go back to Danville, Illinois, to tell my OTHER fiance that I can't marry her too.

  Captain : Oh. I see. You want to get rid of the girl back home, huh?

  Rob Petrie : Well, no. No, sir. Not exactly. I... She's, uh... Well... yeah, I... more or less.

  Captain : I'm sorry, Petrie. One three-day pass is IT.

  Rob Petrie : But-but, sir...

  Captain : And you can either use it for your honeymoon or you can go back to Danville and do the manly thing. Now it's your choice.

  Rob Petrie : Well, sir, I-I don't know what to do!

  Captain : I know what I'D do. I'd tell that girl back home.

  Rob Petrie : Oh, sir, would ya? It'd mean so much more coming from a captain.

• Rob Petrie : What kind of changes? What do you mean, honey?

  Laura Petrie : Well cutting and editing, like, well, right around here, this part.

  Rob Petrie : What, where?

  Laura Petrie : Right around there.

  Rob Petrie : Here? She was lovely, blond, 2 inches taller than Laura and 45 per cent sexier.

  Laura Petrie : Yeah, around there.

  Rob Petrie , Laura Petrie : Uh, you think if I cut that 45 per cent sexier, would that improve the book?

  Laura Petrie : 100 per cent.