Brian Benben: Martin Tupper

Quotes 

• Martin Tupper : [about to have 'the talk' with his teenage son]  Believe me, buddy, these feelings you're having, you're - you're not the first to feel 'em. I've had them. Every guy's had them.

  Jeremy Tupper : Even Uncle Irv?

  Martin Tupper : Well, almost every guy.

• Jeremy Tupper : [when his Dad gets flustered giving him 'the talk']  Dad, I know this.

  Martin Tupper : What?

  Jeremy Tupper : Y'mean, like, intercourse and fallopian tubes 'n stuff? I know this.

  Martin Tupper : [seemingly relieved]  Well, great. That's great. Is there anything y'don't understand? I mean, y'got any questions?

  Jeremy Tupper : Ummmm, yeah, yeah, actually I do.

  Martin Tupper : Shoot.

  Jeremy Tupper : What's 'cunny-lingus'?

  Martin Tupper : [uncomfortable again]  Why don't we hold off on that for a bit. What else have you got?

  Jeremy Tupper : Do you masturbate? What's bestiality? Blow job? And, uh, smegma?

  Martin Tupper : [desperate]  Why don't we just start with when a man and woman love each other very much.

• Toby Pedalbee : [while Martin is dictating a business letter]  Y'ever have one of those headaches where all you wanted to do was shove your fist up your nose and pull your sinuses right through your head?

  Martin Tupper : [mildly annoyed]  I don't think so.

• Judith Tupper : Martin, we've never talked to Jeremy about sex. So I'll just drop him off around six, and you can talk to him then.

  Martin Tupper : Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why is this my job?

  Judith Tupper : Well, I just figured that it's a topic you're familiar with, one in which you have a certain amount of... expertise.

  Martin Tupper : Nice try.

  Judith Tupper : [desperate]  Oh, come on, please.

  Martin Tupper : He lives with you.

  Judith Tupper : Yeah, but you're his father.

  Martin Tupper : But that's sexist.

  Judith Tupper : Look, he's embarrassed to talk to me.

  Martin Tupper : Well, I'm embarrassed to talk to him.

  Judith Tupper : I told him when the dog died.

  Martin Tupper : [almost a whisper]  Shit.

• [Jeremy is trying to calm down after finding out that his Dad went out with his teacher] 

  Jeremy Tupper : How come you didn't have sex with her?

  Martin Tupper : I guess I didn't have sex with her because we just met, and I didn't want to rush into anything and have it be bad.

  Jeremy Tupper : [astonished]  Sex can be *bad*?