- Martin Tupper: [about to have 'the talk' with his teenage son] Believe me, buddy, these feelings you're having, you're - you're not the first to feel 'em. I've had them. Every guy's had them.
- Jeremy Tupper: Even Uncle Irv?
- Martin Tupper: Well, almost every guy.
- Jeremy Tupper: [when his Dad gets flustered giving him 'the talk'] Dad, I know this.
- Martin Tupper: What?
- Jeremy Tupper: Y'mean, like, intercourse and fallopian tubes 'n stuff? I know this.
- Martin Tupper: [seemingly relieved] Well, great. That's great. Is there anything y'don't understand? I mean, y'got any questions?
- Jeremy Tupper: Ummmm, yeah, yeah, actually I do.
- Martin Tupper: Shoot.
- Jeremy Tupper: What's 'cunny-lingus'?
- Martin Tupper: [uncomfortable again] Why don't we hold off on that for a bit. What else have you got?
- Jeremy Tupper: Do you masturbate? What's bestiality? Blow job? And, uh, smegma?
- Martin Tupper: [desperate] Why don't we just start with when a man and woman love each other very much.
- Toby Pedalbee: [while Martin is dictating a business letter] Y'ever have one of those headaches where all you wanted to do was shove your fist up your nose and pull your sinuses right through your head?
- Martin Tupper: [mildly annoyed] I don't think so.
- Judith Tupper: Martin, we've never talked to Jeremy about sex. So I'll just drop him off around six, and you can talk to him then.
- Martin Tupper: Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why is this my job?
- Judith Tupper: Well, I just figured that it's a topic you're familiar with, one in which you have a certain amount of... expertise.
- Martin Tupper: Nice try.
- Judith Tupper: [desperate] Oh, come on, please.
- Martin Tupper: He lives with you.
- Judith Tupper: Yeah, but you're his father.
- Martin Tupper: But that's sexist.
- Judith Tupper: Look, he's embarrassed to talk to me.
- Martin Tupper: Well, I'm embarrassed to talk to him.
- Judith Tupper: I told him when the dog died.
- Martin Tupper: [almost a whisper] Shit.
- [Jeremy is trying to calm down after finding out that his Dad went out with his teacher]
- Jeremy Tupper: How come you didn't have sex with her?
- Martin Tupper: I guess I didn't have sex with her because we just met, and I didn't want to rush into anything and have it be bad.
- Jeremy Tupper: [astonished] Sex can be *bad*?