- [first lines]
- Damien Day: I'm wearing the metropolitan police's new riot gear. Described as vital by their chief commissioner, criticized by others as too expensive, but just how effective is it? Well, with the help of my camera crew, I'm going to find out.
- Sally Smedley: I've decided on natural childbirth.
- Helen Cooper: Oh, yes, I decided on that. Doing it the way nature intended. Then 15 minutes into the labour I started screaming "Give me all your drugs ya bastards".
- Gus Hedges: I hope you all take that thought on board, give it a stiff drink, and run it through the lifeboat drill.
- Helen Cooper: Can anyone think of a gentle way of getting through to him?
- Joy Merryweather: Tell him he's a twat?
- Henry Davenport: He's as randy for her as a Dachshund with two dicks.
- Helen Cooper: ..I think you'll find he's in love with her.
- Henry Davenport: That's what I said.
- [last lines]
- Gus Hedges: Ok team, gather around, feel good moment imminent, as we unveil our prestigious new logo to the world. It's stylish, its original, and its going to be winched down any second now.
- Helen Cooper: Aren't you supposed to be operating the hoist?
- Sign Man: What's her name, Joy, said she wanted to do it.
- Gus Hedges: Marvelous.
- [naked man lowered from the roof clutching the new sign]
- Gus Hedges: Oh my God!
- Damien Day: Well its original, certainly.
- Joy Merryweather: Smashing.