Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man (TV Series)

Days of Whining and Neurosis (1995)

Jim Cummings: Dr. Conrad Milo

Quotes 

• Eric Duckman : What led you through the hopelessly tangled underbrush of private security organizations to our door, hmm? Stellar word of mouth? Our fine client roster? Those fliers were put up in that public urinal?

  Dr. Conrad Milo : I needed detectives who were so low on the ladder, there was absolutely no way anyone rich or famous could've ever heard of them.

  Eric Duckman : Hey, we may not have the recognition of detectives who go around "solving cases", but we do just fine, thank you.

  [text appears on-screen: "Daily fee/$1.48"] 

• Dr. Conrad Milo : Earth: Majestic, awe-inspiring, and home to the richest people in the universe. Simply hi! I'm Dr. Conrad Milo, welcoming you to the world famous Conrad Milo Rehab Center, where affluent addicts go for a quick fix... on their careers. It's methadone wishes and withdrawal-induced dreams, for wherever you find the rich, you'll find the rich in a stupor.

  [camera zooms in on the rehab mansion front doors] 

  Dr. Conrad Milo : Want a peek at the grotesque luxury inside where dependence meets resplendence?

  [the doors shut] 

  Dr. Conrad Milo : Sorry! Only the most privileged get their privilege, for a wallet-wowing $8,000 a day, most major platinum cards accepted!

  [at a red carpet event for celebrities arriving at the rehab center] 

  Dr. Conrad Milo : Is that the famous falsetto-singing, leather-clad pop star who's tested more drugs than the FDA? We can't say. Could that be the blond-haired, green-eyed TV she-demon whose bedroom bedlam got her kicked off three series in a row? You didn't hear it from us. So remember, when you've got a secret shame you want leaked to the world so you'll have a sympathetic and fault-free excuse for your recent outrageous behavior, think Milo!