- Cornfed Pig: [carrying a knocked-out Duckman through the Conrad Milo Rehab Center] As you'll see, they treat a wide variety of addictions here. Most often, however, they like to group patients by profession.
- [Duckman wakes up and babbles]
- Cornfed Pig: For instance, this is the Entertainment Industry wing, Television Subsection. Child stars, writers over 25, development executives... actually someone else gets addicted FOR them, then they take credit for it. This special section is for celebrities actually addicted to checking in to rehab clinics. With this class of clientele, naturally, they run into scheduling problems. So they have "drive-thru rehab" for busy Type As who just don't have two weeks to give up.
- Eric Duckman: How much can one duck take? A whole week without caffeine, nicotine, women! Okay, so I once went three years without a woman. Oh, six if you don't count that open house day at the morgue.
- Eric Duckman: What led you through the hopelessly tangled underbrush of private security organizations to our door, hmm? Stellar word of mouth? Our fine client roster? Those fliers were put up in that public urinal?
- Dr. Conrad Milo: I needed detectives who were so low on the ladder, there was absolutely no way anyone rich or famous could've ever heard of them.
- Eric Duckman: Hey, we may not have the recognition of detectives who go around "solving cases", but we do just fine, thank you.
- [text appears on-screen: "Daily fee/$1.48"]
- Dr. Conrad Milo: Earth: Majestic, awe-inspiring, and home to the richest people in the universe. Simply hi! I'm Dr. Conrad Milo, welcoming you to the world famous Conrad Milo Rehab Center, where affluent addicts go for a quick fix... on their careers. It's methadone wishes and withdrawal-induced dreams, for wherever you find the rich, you'll find the rich in a stupor.
- [camera zooms in on the rehab mansion front doors]
- Dr. Conrad Milo: Want a peek at the grotesque luxury inside where dependence meets resplendence?
- [the doors shut]
- Dr. Conrad Milo: Sorry! Only the most privileged get their privilege, for a wallet-wowing $8,000 a day, most major platinum cards accepted!
- [at a red carpet event for celebrities arriving at the rehab center]
- Dr. Conrad Milo: Is that the famous falsetto-singing, leather-clad pop star who's tested more drugs than the FDA? We can't say. Could that be the blond-haired, green-eyed TV she-demon whose bedroom bedlam got her kicked off three series in a row? You didn't hear it from us. So remember, when you've got a secret shame you want leaked to the world so you'll have a sympathetic and fault-free excuse for your recent outrageous behavior, think Milo!
- Senator Stark: Hello, I'm Senator Stark. I like to smoke, drink, lie, steal, and fondle anyone within reach.
- Eric Duckman: Join the club.
- Senator Stark: I DID; it's called the Senate.
- Cornfed Pig: [at a therapy session] I'm Dr. Gelman.
- Eric Duckman: No you're not.
- Cornfed Pig: Yes I am.
- Eric Duckman: No you're not!
- Cornfed Pig: [irritated] Yes, I AM.
- Eric Duckman: What are ya talkin' about? You're...
- Cornfed Pig: [grabbing Duckman's bill] My name is Dr. Gelman, Dr. Nathan Gelman. Nobody knows me here, so I'm introducing myself!
- Eric Duckman: ...Oh, ohhhh! Hehe... Nice to meet you... Dr. Cornfed.
- [Cornfed sighs angrily]