Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man (TV Series)
Inherit the Judgment: The Dope's Trial (1995)
Jason Alexander: Eric Duckman
Quotes
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Eric Duckman : Thanks for all your help, boys. But deep down, I knew I'd win. I've got a higher power on my side.
Ajax : You mean...?
[points to Heaven]
Eric Duckman : Even higher than that.
[the Paramount logo appears]
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[Duckman is cross-examining King Chicken]
Eric Duckman : King Chicken - Was it you or me that day that said "egg?"
George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken : This... is your plan?
[chuckles]
Eric Duckman : Just answer the question!
George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken : It was you.
Eric Duckman : Exa... heh. Oops. Well, uh - Was my saying "egg" in any way because of ventriloquism? And remember: You are under oath!
George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken : No! There was no ventriloquism!
Eric Duckman : Uh... ha, ha. Did you, uh... use any kind of a hypno-ray on the crowd that made them hear "egg" when I really said "chicken?"
George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken : You idiot! I assumed you had a reason for...
Eric Duckman : Ah! You *assumed!* Is that correct?
George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken : [growls] Yes!
Eric Duckman : Then you shouldn't *assume!*
[writes "assume" on a chalkboard]
Eric Duckman : Because when you *assume,* you... you... - Wait. There's a trick here. I used to know it...
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Eric Duckman : Did you talk to my lawyer/urologist, Donald "The Shiv" Grillo?
Cornfed Pig : Yes, but he didn't answer back. He's dead. A rare case of peacetime fragging.
Eric Duckman : Damned Coast Guard reserve.
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Eric Duckman : Corny! Am I glad you're here! They stuck me in jail just because I said the egg came before the chicken.
Cornfed Pig : They disagree. It's heresy in this town to challenge their theory of chicken creationism - the deeply held belief that the chicken came before the egg. It's the same kind of mindless, intellectually bankrupt belief system once found in the Druids. Or the Reagan Administration.
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Cornfed Pig : Were you abused by your parents?
Eric Duckman : No.
Cornfed Pig : Teased at school?
Eric Duckman : No.
Cornfed Pig : A victim of racial rage?
Eric Duckman : No.
Cornfed Pig : Sexually harassed?
Eric Duckman : No.
Cornfed Pig : Fired for being chronically tardy?
Eric Duckman : No.
Cornfed Pig : Ever eat Twinkies?
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Eric Duckman : Bernice, I am sick and tired of you treating me like some dim-bulb melonhead who's always on the verge of his next screw-up!
[Duckman hits the car, which then loses a tire and collapses]
Bernice : Okay, who had "destroys car" in the next Duckman screw-up pool?
Charles : I had "buys Lincoln Memorial."
Mambo : "Loses house in pyramid scheme."
Ajax : Herpes.