- Eric Duckman: Thanks for all your help, boys. But deep down, I knew I'd win. I've got a higher power on my side.
- Ajax: You mean...?
- [points to Heaven]
- Eric Duckman: Even higher than that.
- [the Paramount logo appears]
- [Duckman is cross-examining King Chicken]
- Eric Duckman: King Chicken - Was it you or me that day that said "egg?"
- George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken: This... is your plan?
- [chuckles]
- Eric Duckman: Just answer the question!
- George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken: It was you.
- Eric Duckman: Exa... heh. Oops. Well, uh - Was my saying "egg" in any way because of ventriloquism? And remember: You are under oath!
- George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken: No! There was no ventriloquism!
- Eric Duckman: Uh... ha, ha. Did you, uh... use any kind of a hypno-ray on the crowd that made them hear "egg" when I really said "chicken?"
- George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken: You idiot! I assumed you had a reason for...
- Eric Duckman: Ah! You *assumed!* Is that correct?
- George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken: [growls] Yes!
- Eric Duckman: Then you shouldn't *assume!*
- [writes "assume" on a chalkboard]
- Eric Duckman: Because when you *assume,* you... you... - Wait. There's a trick here. I used to know it...
- Eric Duckman: Did you talk to my lawyer/urologist, Donald "The Shiv" Grillo?
- Cornfed Pig: Yes, but he didn't answer back. He's dead. A rare case of peacetime fragging.
- Eric Duckman: Damned Coast Guard reserve.
- Eric Duckman: Corny! Am I glad you're here! They stuck me in jail just because I said the egg came before the chicken.
- Cornfed Pig: They disagree. It's heresy in this town to challenge their theory of chicken creationism - the deeply held belief that the chicken came before the egg. It's the same kind of mindless, intellectually bankrupt belief system once found in the Druids. Or the Reagan Administration.
- Cornfed Pig: Were you abused by your parents?
- Eric Duckman: No.
- Cornfed Pig: Teased at school?
- Eric Duckman: No.
- Cornfed Pig: A victim of racial rage?
- Eric Duckman: No.
- Cornfed Pig: Sexually harassed?
- Eric Duckman: No.
- Cornfed Pig: Fired for being chronically tardy?
- Eric Duckman: No.
- Cornfed Pig: Ever eat Twinkies?
- Cornfed Pig: Don't worry, Duckman. I'll see to it you get off - I mean, see to it you're found not guilty.
- Eric Duckman: Bernice, I am sick and tired of you treating me like some dim-bulb melonhead who's always on the verge of his next screw-up!
- [Duckman hits the car, which then loses a tire and collapses]
- Bernice: Okay, who had "destroys car" in the next Duckman screw-up pool?
- Charles: I had "buys Lincoln Memorial."
- Mambo: "Loses house in pyramid scheme."
- Ajax: Herpes.